@ThisOneSayz

Me: sandwich for lunch?
6yo: noooo!!!
Me: how about salami, tomatoes, cheese & bread?
6: YES!!

I win.

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@rdthought

Girlfriend: Stop lying around on the couch all day.
Me: But you said we needed to start conserving energy.

@NikiWithIssues

Don’t worry, officer, this isn’t my blood. Really, stop searching me! I feel fine!

@UncleDuke1969

Superman: How’d you know?
Lex: Know what?
S: My secret identity!
L: Whaddya mean?
S: You called me a KENT!!
L: That’s NOT what I called you.

@gitson_shiggles

Apparently my boss wasn’t too happy with my performance during his trust fall.

I trusted him to fall, he hit the floor, I applauded. Not sure what the problem was, tbh.

@Junk_Boat

Wow she actually noticed me!

Time to pick a different tree.

@Ristolable

What my girlfriend thought, first 4 dates:
1. Nice shirt.
2. Wow. A second nice shirt.
3. Okay, first shirt again.
4. He has two shirts.

@ddsmidt

Me: *types* “Stupid auto correct loves making me look like an idiot.”

*Autocorrects to* “You’re doing a good job of that yourself.”

@daemonic3

WIFE: i’m leaving you

ME: is it because I name inanimate objects?

WIFE: no, it’s because you won’t stop wearing that eyepiece

ME: [looking perplexed] why do you hate Monoclewinsky?