Me: sandwich for lunch?
6yo: noooo!!!
Me: how about salami, tomatoes, cheese & bread?
6: YES!!I win.
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8am: plain egg whites
1pm: greek yogurt
6pm: grilled chicken / mixed veggies
12am: every damn snack on earth
Imagine the towering achievements in aquatecture if sawfish & hammerhead sharks ever get their shit together
This bloke knocked on my door and asked me if I’ve considered an alternative energy supplier.
I said, ‘No thanks, I’m quite happy with food.’
Me: I want a raise
Boss: ok and why do you think you deserve a raise?
Me: that’s not what I said
You either get a kid who eats like a bottomless pit, or you get one that when asked what they want for lunch answers “No thanks. I had lunch yesterday”
I didn’t hit him with my car…
I massaged him with my wheels.
Woke up feeling not too shabby for a 55-year-old. The only problem is I’m still in my 40s.
The pharmacy will look you straight in the eye with no line of people and tell you it will be 20-30 minutes for them to take some eye drops off the shelf behind them and put them in a little bag.
Waitress: Would you like an omelet?
Me: Sure. Put it in a martini glass with gin and no eggs…
Found a pic in a box buried deep in the closet of me sitting on Santa’s knee. Hard to believe that was two whole years ago!
It’s not ‘easter’, it’s ‘more east’. So stupid.
There’s nothing quite like a family gathering to remind you of why they’re so infrequent.
Moving sucks because you’re expected to trash stuff you have you forgot was important. Sure I haven’t worn this t-shirt in ten years but I wore it the night Bobby fell off a roof and I got laid. You’re robbing this of me for “closet space”.
count dracula: at last i’ve got you wolf man
wolf man: at last i’ve got you dracula
*dracula turns into a bat*
*wolf man turns into a wolf*
godzilla: weird flex, but ok
*eats them both*
“Are you listening to understand or to be right?”
~ sometimes pretending to listen results in unexpected mutiple choice questions
Blinded by the light is really just a song about turning the bathroom light on in the middle of the night.
him: how long for a table
me: they’re about 5 ft across
him: no the wait
me: about 78 lbs
Just when you think you have your shit together, a sock goes missing from the dryer and disappears from the face of the earth.
I moved to LA 9 months ago and I’ve just been circling around this whole time looking for a parking spot.
To me, being Single means never having to apologize..
Unless someone drops by my disgusting house unannounced
I shower with a suicide note in case I slip and die, at least I can make it look intentional instead of stupid.
Some days I think I’m brilliant.
Other days I ask myself if there’s a “u” in forty.
if you want all your cereal boxes and chip bags to look like they were opened by a wild monkey, kids might be for you.
Some people are uncouth but not me, I’m super couthy.
i argued with the parrot at the pet store until it got sold away and the guy who bought it wouldnt let me in his car. that means i won
Taught my daughter how to use Amazon Lists and now I have 371 items under “you should buy me this”
Adulthood is like the vet, and we’re all the dogs that were excited for the car ride until we realized where we’re going.
gettin prety good at makin baloon animals, so far i can make:
– a snake
– worm
– eel
– dog, hot
– 2 snakes
(at the pearly gates)
St. Peter: Say “worchestershire”
Me: Oh God I knew it
this cop wants me to walk the line, does he mean the wavy one or the blurry one