Girlfriend: Stop lying around on the couch all day.
Me: But you said we needed to start conserving energy.
Me: sandwich for lunch?
Me: how about salami, tomatoes, cheese & bread?
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Don’t worry, officer, this isn’t my blood. Really, stop searching me! I feel fine!
Superman: How’d you know?
Lex: Know what?
S: My secret identity!
L: Whaddya mean?
S: You called me a KENT!!
L: That’s NOT what I called you.
Apparently my boss wasn’t too happy with my performance during his trust fall.
I trusted him to fall, he hit the floor, I applauded. Not sure what the problem was, tbh.
Wow she actually noticed me!
Time to pick a different tree.
Finally, somewhere I can take my Croissant Bernard.
What my girlfriend thought, first 4 dates:
1. Nice shirt.
2. Wow. A second nice shirt.
3. Okay, first shirt again.
4. He has two shirts.
Me: *types* “Stupid auto correct loves making me look like an idiot.”
*Autocorrects to* “You’re doing a good job of that yourself.”
WIFE: i’m leaving you
ME: is it because I name inanimate objects?
WIFE: no, it’s because you won’t stop wearing that eyepiece
ME: [looking perplexed] why do you hate Monoclewinsky?