I’m forgetful. My wife is rememberful.
Me: [sat in car]
Cop: u forget something? [Points at baby still on roof in his carrier]
Me: OMG yes [gets out & puts on his flying goggles]
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doctor: i have your blood test here
doctor: you failed
Dear people who combine Christmas and birthday gifts,
WE HATE YOU!
Everyone born in December.
Y E S F R I E N D
Can you answer a question?
Y E S
What’s the meaning of life?
L O O K B E H I N D Y O U
There’s nothing there.
the neighborhood teens have left so many burning bags of garbage on my lawn that everyone thinks that this is the place you burn garbage now
Waiter *looks at empty chair opposite me* are you waiting for a friend?
Me: Yes *lowers voice* is this how you get one?
Fact: If you ever blow me a kiss, I’m catching it and sticking it down my pants.
ME: I can’t come in to work. My grandma died
BOSS: your grandma has died 4 times this year
ME: yeah she’s a cat
If you don’t think government is inefficient and wasteful, explain how the Census Bureau has been around so long yet we still use Fahrenheit
There’s a cat curled up on my pillow, and I’d probably be a lot more cool with that if I actually owned a cat.