@EndhooS

Me: [sat in car]
Cop: u forget something? [Points at baby still on roof in his carrier]
Me: OMG yes [gets out & puts on his flying goggles]

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@FredTaming

doctor: i have your blood test here
 
me: and?
 
doctor: you failed

@sixfootcandy

Dear people who combine Christmas and birthday gifts,

WE HATE YOU!

Sincerely,

Everyone born in December.

@BuckyIsotope

Void?
Y E S F R I E N D
Can you answer a question?
Y E S
What’s the meaning of life?
L O O K B E H I N D Y O U
There’s nothing there.

Oh.

@dril

the neighborhood teens have left so many burning bags of garbage on my lawn that everyone thinks that this is the place you burn garbage now

@ArfMeasures

Waiter *looks at empty chair opposite me* are you waiting for a friend?

Me: Yes *lowers voice* is this how you get one?

@hand_jive

Fact: If you ever blow me a kiss, I’m catching it and sticking it down my pants.

@SteveSuckington

ME: I can’t come in to work. My grandma died

BOSS: your grandma has died 4 times this year

ME: yeah she’s a cat

@TheBoydP

If you don’t think government is inefficient and wasteful, explain how the Census Bureau has been around so long yet we still use Fahrenheit

@1Happytwit

There’s a cat curled up on my pillow, and I’d probably be a lot more cool with that if I actually owned a cat.