Me: [sat in car]
Cop: u forget something? [Points at baby still on roof in his carrier]
Me: OMG yes [gets out & puts on his flying goggles]
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I’ve never been in love… But I imagine its similar to the feeling you get when you see your waiter arriving with your food.
whole time I was thinking “how’s Popeye gonna top this shit” then this mf justs —
I don’t mean to brag but I’m a lot more trouble than I’m worth.
Not sure what a Shakira coochie board is but white people really like it
LIFE HACK: Answer your phone “Hello you’re on the air” and 99% of the time people will just hang up.
me: why aren’t you eating your breakfast?
3: it smells hot
I think it’s funny when parents get actually mad at people for call themselves a dog mom it’s like yeah no duh it’s not the same thing people actually like their dogs
Boy becomes Jedi, gets married, turns evil, has twins, becomes Darth Vader, complicated crap, ewoks. Boom, STAR WARS. You’re welcome, girls.
FRIEND: Jack is sleeping, what should we do to him?
TYLER: Shaving cream.
MARK: Shaving cream.
ME: Pay off his student loans.
[they all look at me]
ME: I mean shave him.
A lot of birthdays in November. It’s as if there’s some kind of romantic peak in or around mid-February.
“OnlyPams”: a place for hot pics of women who dump their fiancé’s for quirky co-workers.
Summer is the perfect time to collect shells on the beach. The 20 gauge ones are especially pretty, although you can’t beat a good 45 mm.
Men are really out here thinking that a hike is a good first date. Sir that’s a last date. That’s how people get murdered.
Bruce Willis in a lot of action roles he’s played:
Bruce Killis
The automatic toilet flusher is taking away your rights!
[restaurant]
WAITER: are you ready to order
DAD: i’ll have the rabbit stew
WAITER: only if you promise not to say “waiter there’s a hare in my soup” after i bring it
DAD:
WAITER:
DAD: i’ll have the chicken
MUFASA: Everything the light touches is our kingdom.
ME: What about shadows or when it’s cloudy?
MUFASA: *Sigh* Wh…why are you like this?
Overheard at work:
Mom to her little daughter: “what’s that in your hair? Is that a piece of chicken nugget??”
Little girl, very excitedly: “YEAH!”
fixed it
My sister FaceTimed me this morning and I answered hungover and obviously not looking the best and all she did was start laughing really hard at my face and then goes “ugh thank you I needed that!” then just hung up
Brushing my daughter’s hair
Me: Why is your hair SO tangled?
5: I don’t know. Glue maybe?
Me: Did you put glue in your hair?
5: Yes.
Our ‘thoughts and prayers’ go out to all the vegans and innocent cabbages everywhere.
WIFE: It’s either me or th-
ME: He has name
WIFE: OR the goose.
ME: Say it.
WIFE:…
ME: Say his name.
WIFE:…
ME: Why won’t you love Tom Honks
oh shit. i’m at a doctors appointment, and i legit forgot to take the sugar glider out of my sports bra. let’s hope she stays asleep!!!
Mean things I kind of want to do:
1) Call up a random person and say “It’s done. You just need to clean up the blood.” and hang up.
2) Walk up to a stranger and hand them a bag with random items (vaseline, a hose and socks) and say “You know what to do.”
Funny how our parents used to tell us not to talk to strangers online but now that’s the only way to make friends at school
Age 28: forgets to wash face & moisturize, wakes up w/ smudged sexy eye make-up
Age 38: forgets to wash face & moisturize, wakes up a dragon
Why is it called an everything bagel and not a bagall.
Heads up! The washing machine doesn’t clean your clothes if you don’t push the start button.
Singing happy birthday when masked is no longer permitted until we determine who was beatboxing.