ME: Say “Anagrams are stupid” one more time & I will rearrange your face.
YOU: Anagrams are stupid.
ME: You farce.

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[sees a lion and a witch come out of a wardrobe]

Me: what have you been up to in there?

Lion: Narnia business


You can’t change a person unless they wear adult diapers


I have a very dry sense of humor. So I drink moisturizer.


What era would you have fit best in? Mine is the one where whenever anything went wrong you could blame witches.


50 shades – only romantic because the guy is a billionaire. If he lived in a trailer, it would be another episode of criminal minds


If anyone needs like five things 25% done and no things 100% done, just let me know.


Spielberg missed a great opportunity when he didn’t put FIN at the end of Jaws.


Me: *crying*

Tween: *crying*

Husband: I thought you two were doing math homework together.

Me: We are.