Me: Says here you’re a house flipper. So you renovate and resell them, huh?
A tornado: ≋N≋o≋
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There are some people that, when you think about them, you just feel better. And that’s nice.
Just know, if I’ve asked you at least 6 times nicely and then sang it as a song, the next time it’s coming out as an unhinged shout.
ARTHUR: Knights, I have a dangerous mission for you.
SIR LANCELOT: I shall go.
SIR GALAHAD: We all shall go.
SIR VEY: Okay, actually, just—quick poll—who else does NOT want to go?
Winter can cause potentially deadly situations like icy roads, hypothermia, and the much feared man cold.
I wonder if Pink’s parents are named Red and White.
{Horses on a road trip passing my house}
HORSE 1: *Points at me in my yard* Human.
I’ve been a YouTube creator for almost an hour, yet somehow I haven’t been monetized yet?
Me:[slathers self in butter]
Them: I said BETTER! Better yourself!
They really need to stop hyping up these storms because I bought a lot of doritos and the power didn’t even go out.
I’ll never forget when I posted about graduating medical school and becoming a doctor, and this girl from my hometown just absolutely publicly humbled me.
[7 peaking around kitchen looking at stuff]
Me: What’s the matter, what are you looking for?
7: Can you keep it down, you’re cooking too loud and I can’t hear the TV
6-year-old: I’m not cleaning my room.
Me: I don’t like your tone.
6: What does “tone” mean?
Me: I don’t like your voice.
6: *weird Kermit the Frog voice* I’m not cleaning my room.
The person with duct tape holding most of their car together always has the right-of-way.
stanley hudson: [on deathbed] I’m amazed I lasted as long as I did
michael scott: that’s what she said
A baby came out of my stomach and I was all “weird, I don’t remember eating that…”
we should be using all the time technology frees up to expand language, not shorten it. instead of ‘prolly’ try ‘probababably.’
M: There was yelling and pushing! I’ve never been trapped in a mob! I was so scared!
H: It was a 3rd grade field trip.
M: I BROKE A NAIL!
My son walked into the kitchen and said I bet you don’t know what 47 divided by by 4 is and when I told him 11 remainder 3 he said thanks and walked back to the room he was doing his homework in. It was a smooth transition. But now I understand the play and it won’t happen again.
It’s not summer until you put on your bikini and realize it probably wasn’t a good idea to eat 9,000 lbs of skittles, starbursts, and sour patch kids all year.
Luke, I am your uncle.
Luke, I am your third cousin.
Luke, I am your grandmother.– Skywalker family reunion
Me: I’m exhausted, going to sleep so good tonight
My brain at 3 AM: when Dora loses her map what does she use to find it?
BECAUSE IT’S A PERVERT
Got into a big fight with my toddler over what powers trains. I said electricity but he insisted it’s carrots. Carrots running trains is literally the hill he’ll die on.
Scientists found there may not be as many benefits to flossing as we thought. Guess none of them have ever been to a party with spinach dip.
The problem with Netflix recommendations is they assume I “liked” a show just because I watched 13 hours of it
If you ever see me with one of those stick figure family bumper stickers it means I’m dead and someone is wearing my skin
Clown Uber driver:
Get in! We have room for one more.
So because my friend helped me move, now I’m expected to go help him move? How is that fair?
*Throws caution to the wind*
*gets covered in caution*
i don’t understand all these newfangled apps. like “phone”