ME: scalpel
NURSE: scalpel
M: sclissors
N: scissors
M: neeble
N: are u sure u should operate on ur own brain
M: *nods head diagonally* toast
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[recording studio]
80s BAND: *gradually plays instruments quieter and quieter at the end of the song*
PRODUCER: Guys u don’t need to do that
Me at dinner on a first date: I’m not answering any more questions without a lawyer.
Apparently If ur BF says “if anything happens to me,I want u to meet someone new….”
“anything” doesn’t include getting stuck in
traffic.
Nobody likes failing a CAPTCHA but you don’t need to worry if you’re really a robot unless you notice more than the normal amount of springs and gears in your poop.
CUCUMBER 911: What’s your emergency?
CUCUMBER: Please send help! I’m trapped in a jar full of vinegar!
CUCUMBER 911: hmmm, this is a pickle!
Child just ran by screaming WHERE’S THE PLUNGER GET TOWELS LOTS OF TOWELS so anyway how is your day going?
This orange juice says shake well before drinking.
*shakes juice and puts back in fridge then opens beer
i love playing rock paper scissors they never expect me to pull a glock out of my pocket
If anyone is looking for a nice restaurant that has a great menu and very polite staff, check out the one I went to with my parents and my sister in 2014. Can’t remember what it was called but it had a lovely ambiance and we were all very satisfied with our meals. Recommended 👍
Make sure your blind date from the internet has a big car. Nothing worse than a trunk with no leg room.
Put granola in your yogurt, because who doesn’t like eating tiny rocks on purpose?
MOM: sleep tight, don’t let the bedbugs bite 🙂
KID: ok[later]
BEDBUG: arrgh I can’t bite him
OTHER BEDBUG: curses, he is sleeping too tightly
My 3yo gave me a hug and said, “here is a flower just for you. I got it from the plastic tree you told me not to touch.”
*sees other guys posting photos of their abs*
*posts photo of me washing dishes*
*gets hit on by every woman on the internet*
just leaving a message to let you know I got your text
– voicemails from my dad
My cousin just announced that he and his wife are pregnant with their second child.
I had a big announcement too, but I guess getting a 24-pack of hot dogs for $2 will just have to wait.
I just found panties with pockets and we may be overcorrecting.
Me: I’ve finally finished that jigsaw puzzle!
Her: YOU DRUNK! It took you 6 months!
Me: On the box it said 2 to 4 years!
[creating animals]
God- I want an animal with 2 humps
Angel- And a cute face?
G- Yes.. And make them spit at humans
A- LOL
G- LOL
DO YOU WANT ME TO RAP?
I WILL RAP!– how I threaten my kids
Religion: because reading one book is a lot easier than a whole bunch of hard ones.
Sorry I said your cat was ugly.
Oh, and sorry for thinking your baby was a cat.
The same people that made fun of me for my calculator watch in high school are now wearing Apple watches.
“I’m not good enough.”
-Implies this is as good as you will ever be
-Does not acknowledge your hard work
-Ends your journeyPunching the ground and declaring “I…I must get stronger!” like in anime
-Sets goals
-Recognizes how far you’ve come
-Useful for defeating the Demon King
It’s hard to stay mad at Kanye when you remember he once threatened to move to Oklahoma and live at his aunt’s house
“Adults are lame. After they have kids, they never do anything exciting.”
-my son, blaming the victims
The pot called the kettle black. The pot is silver…………we now have a situation in the kitchen.
As a little girl, I dreamt of being whisked away by a handsome prince.
It’s my husband’s dream now.
The person that joins a Zoom meeting where everyone’s video is off and leaves their camera on is the same person that reminded the teacher that she forgot to assign that night’s homework.
*pointing at a mothers shrieking baby* is this guy bothering you?