ME: *scattering remains* He loved this park.
PARK RANGER: But…but he hasn’t been cremated!
ME: *lowering axe* Cremated?
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Once my school teacher lectured me for unacceptable behaviour. That’s 30 mins of sleep I am never getting back
My husband and I like to do sweet things for one another. He might switch out my agave for antifreeze. I might cut his brake lines.
if someone asks me if I need help finding something in a department store I like to slowly describe a gun
#WhyDoPeopleThinkItsOkayTo replace letters in words with numbers….well now i don’t feel like reading the math equation you just sent me
museums: why doesn’t anyone go to museums anymore
also museums: thanks for the $22. here are 87 bolted down ipads. tap on them
Before I burn any bridges, I like to make sure there’s no bars or restaurants I really like on the other side.
Mom: “Why are you always on your phone? What’s so great about the internet?”
Me: It doesn’t constantly ask me questions
Yes I’m still watching, Netflix, and it’s not like you don’t have things to be ashamed of.
Going to sleep: It’s so cold in here, I’m totally wearing these socks to bed
Middle of the night: GET THESE DEVIL FOOT GLOVES OFF ME
Things that don’t exist:
1. Unicorn
2. Ghosts
3. Whatever thing that my wife tells me to get from her handbag.
I used to worry I was too sexy to be taken seriously. Life has proven me wrong, but not in the way I’d hoped
Gin and tonic is weird, sometimes I need a lime wedge and sometimes I need to tell everyone what’s on my mind and then pass out.
What do you call a denim expert?
A jeanius.
Pastor: For better, for worse?
Husbands: Sure.
P: In sickness and in health?
H: Yep.
P: Till death do you part?
H: I do.
P: And also she’s going to want some of your fries even if she doesn’t order her own.
H: Hang on … what?
I don’t know squat about bitcoin but with so many crypto experts following me, you’d think I had invented it.
Me: I just used my debit card to buy some running shoes.
Coworker: New Balance?
Me (turning red): Fourteen dollars & 23 cents.
My husband and I love to play “who can pile the most into the trash can without taking it out” and I can assure there are no winners her. Just cursing, garbage covered losers
New research in early toy-purchase psychology has found that the majority of parents subconsciously hope their children become xylophonists.
Feels like we probably could have put that groundhog’s psychic abilities to better use.
Why do people get photo shoots done for newborns? Just find some pictures online they all look the same.
reasons my cat is yowling:
-she doesn’t want the food in her bowl
-she wants to be picked up
-she wants to be put back down
-she wants to play
-she doesn’t want her toys touched
-the mantelpiece is not high enough
-it’s raining
-the universe is large & she is its queen
Who called it a Cold Sore and not a Public Display of Infection
*smashes car through your living room*
Fancy meeting you here, have you been getting my text messages?
How people watch movies when they’re:
DATING *hold hands*
ENGAGED *cuddle*
MARRIED *one person turns the volume up when I’m choking on a piece of popcorn*
#gameofthrones greatest achievement this season: getting us to root for a guy to hook up with a woman we all knew was his aunt.
Him: sex tonight?
Me: Work put me in a bad mood
Him: tomorrow?
Me: I have a headache tomorrow
When I eat rotisserie chicken, I like to pretend that I’m performing an autopsy.
This took me a second..
Cop: get down!
Me: *starts dancing*
Cop: *shoots at my feet* FASTER
[drunk text] God I miss you so much. Why can’t we go back to how things were?
OBAMA: How did you get this number?