Just saw someone holding a sign that said “Honk 2 impeach Obama”
You’d think the process to impeach a president would be more complicated
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then why did i get this email
no one should have to work on Sundays till you pull up to the Taco Bell and it’s dark inside
Me: Here comes that hot single mom.
Brain: Talk to her!
Me: What should I say?
Brain: Anything!*points at baby*
Me: You gonna eat that?
sometimes i wish a great-grandpa or old uncle had left me a pocket watch i could take out & wistfully rub during these “trying times”
I made a female coworker cry on her birthday. For future reference, “I thought you were way older than that” is not a compliment.
I changed to high thread counts when I moved. I have fallen out of the bed 5 times. Super slippery. No wonder those Egyptians died young. Prolly slid right off they pyramids.
SICK of gossip rags only being interested in famous people. Can someone please investigate the woman in my building who put a salad in the recycling bin
Why do they lock gas station bathrooms? Are they afraid someone might accidentally clean them?
If I were Spock, I would spend 24 hours a day saying things like “get out of my Vulcan face” and “are you Vulcan kidding me?”
Them: you should buy crypto
Me:
Them: ok sell it now
Me:
Them: nvm buy it back
Me:
Them: OMG SELL IT
Me: [pulls AirPods out] what
[Dark alley at midnight]
*Knife-wielding punk approaches
Me: “Don’t make me do something I might regret…”
*Punk sneers & raises knife
*I phone up and propose to my married high-school girlfriend
The richest man on Earth quits his job and blasts into space and nothing has ever seemed so suspicious to me.
People who don’t use contractions scare the shit out of me. “I will be there” okay with what a machete
If a cop tazed me and then yelled “Raiden Wins!”… I would instantly lose all animosity towards him.
my favorite part about gambling is if you lose money you can just bet again and double the stakes and win your money back! it’s called strategy
Kids are hard to predict; and living in 2021 with two young kids who sing along to “Who Let the Dogs Out” was not what I expected.
Reverse psychology – only it’s me swapping chairs when my therapist went to the bathroom.
DATE: dessert?
MY BRAIN: im full
MY STOMACH: i want food
DATE: one piece of chocolate wont hurt
MY DOG: THAT MAN IS TRYIMG TO KILL MY OWNER
greys anatomy is so unrealistic. there is no way you can have sex in a place that smells like a hospital
My husband made me a drink & told me to sit down while he makes dinner & all I can say is, whatever he did wrong, I’m totally fine with it.
With my husband’s inability to find anything, I’m really surprised we have children.
professor x: what’s your super power
owl: terrible memory
professor x: that’s not usef- you can talk!?
owl: who
[Lab]
Co-worker: “Where’s all the microscope oil and acetic acid?”
Me: (with a mouthful of salad topped with vinaigrette) I dunno.
*gets hit by car
**back cracks
Me: Thank you!
I fold the receipt and place it in my briefcase.
“Now just to be clear, I have to be dead before I use the grave?”
My boss accused me of sticking my finger in his birthday cake in the break room fridge.
He’s completely wrong. It wasn’t my finger.
Buffalo Wild Wings: Did you order ahead?
Me: No it was just wings.
Relationship status: my husband bought a ukulele
Guy science: The proper amount of time for a pan to soak before cleaning it is until you need to use it again.
[every person who ever bought a used bookstore]
now I can bring my cats to work.