Me: *scratches another tally mark into these prison walls*
Boss: stop damaging the office walls!
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I’m glad that Costco checks receipts when you leave because I don’t want to live in a world where someone gets away with stealing 1500 Ritz crackers
I hate when our cat runs into the room, hisses at an empty chair then runs back out and I end up in the bathtub holding a crucifix.
I gave up my aisle seat and took a middle seat so a mother and her son could sit together. It was ten minutes of feeling good about myself followed by three hours of hating a perfectly nice little boy.
This married couple was eating dinner, he meant to ask his wife for salt, but What came out was, I hate you stupid Bitch you ruined my life
Please don’t feed the Kardashians.
*hears dogs bark*
“I’ve been caught stealing
once when I was 5.”
Time is said to be a great healer, which is presumably why the waiting lists are so long.
When I was a kid I remember passing a sign that said “littering 300 fine”
I read that as it was ok to litter after 3 o’clock
What’s my type? Someone who is supportive. Someone who is warm. Someone I can just curl up and relax with. Wait I’m describing my bed again.
Not to victim blame but if cat no want be held like baby then why baby sized
*bringing a parachute as my hand luggage on any Boeing flight from here on in
What if death changed its name to Jeff and you had to say things like I can’t wait for the sweet release of Jeff.
There was a sudden Jeff in the family
Only two things in life are certain: Jeff and taxes
Interviewer: So you were a Chernobyl tour guide?
Me: Yes, I was.
Interviewer: I see you have glowing reviews.
Me: Yeah, you might want to put those down.
[on Shark Tank]
me: I believe you’ve misheard me –I said “nonstick PANTS”
judge: do you swear to speak the truth and nothing but the truth
me: yes
judge: who do you like
me: omg dare
Egyptologist 1: *carefully brushing away dust from the cartouche on sandstone*
Egyptologist 2: What’s it say?
Egyptologist 1: *Studying hieroglyphics* It says, “Your third most used gif is how you really feel about Ramesses III”.
I just switched my doorbell to the sound of a shot gun loading.
The name Corey is short for Coriander. Coreys will try & tell you it’s not but they are lying.
I find so much of my wife’s hair in the shower, I stashed some silver bullets in the nightstand. Just in case.
People who say all you need is love probably already stocked up on Doritos
They should get rid of red light cameras and replace them with big walls that pop up at the intersection that you slam into if you run the light
If you’re telling a story to a group and are interrupted and then no one asks you to continue, ruin their party by drowning in the pool.
[wakes up from a 15 year coma] sweet, x files still goin strong
Accidentally opened Excel. Decided to roll with it and get my life together. See you all never.
Are we there yet?…
In the near future, little old ladies won’t know how to sew, knit, or quilt, but they’ll take awesome self-pics in bathroom mirrors.
Alex Jones said that lesbians are torturing women and eating their brains.
Ummmmm…Alex? That’s not
What
We
Eat.
No one ever hated their job on a Friday!
Received some very disappointing news today
Me: If something tragic happens it’s a tragedy, so if something magic happens it’s a “magedy”
Websters: Sir, you have to stop calling