Me (screaming in baby’s face): EITHER KILL ME OR MAKE ME STRONGER!!!!
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Me: I’ll take Glinda the Good Witch because I love shoes, Ursula the Sea Witch so she could silence annoying people for me, and Maleficent because I love to sleep.
Genie: But that’s not…eh, never mind, your witches are granted.
Had a nightmare then couldn’t go back to sleep so I got up and ate the cheesecake or at least I hope that’s what it was.
Every new rapture I remember the guy I knew whose parents announced during their weekly family dinner that since he was obviously not getting raptured he could have the house.
Employee: You know what’s neat?
Me: Whiskey in a glass without ice?
*locks my car while looking suspiciously at a little old white lady*
I know it sounds mean but when I’m mad at my wife and want to lash out, I open a bottle of some condiment when there’s already one open.
dad: snapping a pic of your grandma in her coffin is weird
me: it’s socially acceptable these days
dad: just hurry up so we can put her back in the ground
Gym Employee: Thats not how you operate that machine, sir.
Me: *Hanging clothes all over treadmill* But this is how I use it at home.
A tired woman is a mean woman.
Don’t wake her up from a sound sleep because you can’t find the ketchup.
Stop showing me pictures of british people’s breakfast I’ve already been through enough
Hey Dad,
The airport called, if you don’t
turn down your TV, they’re filing
a complaint.
I remember being a kid & excited whenever the doorbell would ring. Now when it rings, I drop to the floor & don’t move like its a bank heist
[300 consecutive hours sitting at the same table]
waiter: [out of breath] and those are our local craft brews
You know what they say,
so I won’t tell you.
The department of wildlife got back to me and said there’s nothing they can do about the size of crows.
On a scale of 1 to ‘Maxi pad with wings’
How self-absorbed are you?
The government even made aliens boring
I’ll start buying “smart” appliances when they make a microwave that automatically electrocutes people who put fish in it
Me: so they don’t punish you at school?
Kid: they make us sit in a thinking chair
Me: does that work?
Kid: I already planned my next move while thinking in the chair
put my earbuds in so i wouldn’t have to talk with the man next to me on the plane and he asked if he could “borrow one so we could listen together”
Hotel reviews are pure chaos. You’ll read, “Breathtaking lobby. Extraordinary suites. My stay filled me with a deep & lasting sense of peace.” Then the next one’s like, “This dump is FILTHY! Elevator was SLOW! Ice machine TIPPED over & I’m STILL pinned BENEATH IT!!!”
ME: I think I have coronavirus, every morning I wake up aching and sick. It usually goes away by the afternoon, but the next day same thing.
FRIEND: It’s a hangover. You’re drinking 2 bottles of wine a night in quarantine.
ME: My God… wine causes the coronavirus!
I love strippers. They’re awesome. Plus I can’t get my girlfriend to do shit for a dollar.
My son asked if a punch bowl is where you keep the names of people you want to punch.
I usually keep them in my head, but storing them in decorative crystal seems really classy.
Whoever invented the boomerang had trouble letting go.
Him: You’ll always be the one that got away. Me: Escaped. Him: What? Me: I said Thanks.
what i say: do not eat food outside of the kitchen
what my kids hear: eat food ALL over the house. i don’t even care if you use plates or bowls. i love stepping and sitting in crumbs and shit.
Pharmacy employee you’re too unhappy for someone who is in control of all the drugs.
there are only 4 good weeks in the year: 2 weeks in spring when it starts getting nice out but there aren’t any wasps yet, and 2 weeks in fall when it’s still nice out and there are no longer any wasps. the rest of the year is either freezing or wasps
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“336Hours”
Your password is two weeks