@SurgicalTurtle

ME: [screaming into the void]
THE VOID: please untag me from this thread

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@shahnischmani

Just heard a lady say she’s been shopping at this Kmart for the last 15 years, and I was like, “doesn’t your family miss you?”

@RexHuppke

Fox News: Witnesses are telling us Michael Brown may have charged Officer Darren Wilson atop a dragon, wielding a poison-tipped broadsword

@nbadag

GARY BUSEY: I WANNA WRITE A BOOK
HIS AGENT: gary that’s a bad idea—how’d you feel about a ghost writer?
GARY: SCARED AS HELL BUT I LIKE IT

@rudy_mustang

Publisher: did you finally finish your book about what clocks measure

Me: yes it’s done

Publisher: it’s about time

Me: i know, i wrote it

@abbycohenwl

I try to often think “human meat is gristly” in case hungry aliens are reading my thoughts

@SufficientCharm

My man wants me to understand him better so I’m not getting my mustache waxed this month.

@roxiqt

DATE: I’ve always wanted a woman with brown eyes

ME: Do they have to be mine?

DATE: what

ME: what

@Reverend_Scott

COP: Know why I stopped you?

MAN IN A RESTAURANT EATING FRIED CHICKEN: Huh?

COP: You’re using a knife and fork. Step away from the chicken

@david8hughes

Therapist: what would you say to your dad if he were alive today?
Me: sorry for cremating you. I honestly thought you were dead