me: how do we ask nicely
him:
me: go on
him: PRETTY PLEASE help me deploy my parachute
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No, you’re not fat, you’re just easy to see.
5: wow, you look so pretty
Me: thank yo—
5: with your sunglasses on
Me: am I pretty without them?
*UNCOMFORTABLY LONG PAUSE*
5: sure
I know how to share fries even if others do not. I am a bear.
only writing recipes in wordart from now on
Dropped my 2 year old off at daycare, put her shoes & blankie in her cubby and kissed her goodbye. I spotted her lunchbox back in my car so I took it inside. When she saw me she jumped up & grabbed her stuff to go home like she’d been there for 7 hours. My daughter is a goldfish.
Autocorrect always tries to correct JFC to KFC. Because who doesn’t naturally scream about fried chicken, when being somewhat flabbergasted or expressive in posts?
“I’ll sleep when I’m dead” – me, before having kids
“I will murder someone for a nap”- me now
Could sum up all Indiana Jones movies with ‘finding old stuff violently.’
I keep my wine glasses on the top shelf to make sure I stretch daily.
Your car will never make that noise for the mechanic. Your car is like “That’s our special noise. I only make that noise for you.”
*helping son with math problem*
[hour later]
JUST WRITE 75 GODDAMMIT!
* nudges wife gently awake at 2 AM
I think my Captain America shield comes today.
When Fred Willard got arrested for lewd behavior in an adult movie theater I was shocked. Where did he find an adult movie theater?
My girlfriend sat up in bed at 3am and yelled “they’ll never find his body” and then giggled. So no sleeping ever again i guess.
13: can I play video games?
ME: yep
WIFE: nope
ME: absolutely not go think about what you’ve done don’t look at me in that tone of voice
ME: We’re all out of beef
CHEF: In that case, I need you to grill the chicken
ME [rolling sleeves up] you think that little shit knows something?
Our homeschooling curriculum includes: Honors Laundry and AP Vaccumming.
Me: Goodnight, see you in the morning
3: Goodnight, see you in a minute
“You have such a great personality”
Me: Thanks, I collect them.
Considering all the air molecules pressing against me in this universe and the incredible strength I’m using to not implode, I really shouldn’t have to fast and work out to be hot. This is bullshit.
my math may be off, but i think there are at least 2 million people at trader joe’s right now
Mom: here comes the plane!
Baby: *seinfeld voice* what’s the DEAL with airplane food!?
One day, I hope to give someone a small, very personal item and then gently close their fingers over it
He died doing what he loved: meeting people on Craigslist to buy furniture.
why steal office supplies from work when you could take an extra long bathroom break and steal company time instead
Today I lost a push-ups competition to my 4 year-old son. He did 2 push-ups and its not important how many i could or couldn’t do because its all about having fun and him helping me off the ground
Chris: I don’t care.
Kris: I don’t kare either.
When your license to kill is expired, you just have to make it look like an accident until it renews.
People who say “why wasn’t I invited?” don’t realize that they are actually the real winners.
HER: Whisper in my ear
ME: [softly] We’re cursed chimpanzees stranded on a giant rock orbiting a treacherous star