@AimeeHelene1

Me: *screaming*
HELP!! AHHHH! HELP! I CAN’T SEE!!

Him: Are you stuck in your sweater again?

Me: *muffled voice*
Maybe.

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@MrsJekyllsHyde

Coworker: I don’t even know what’s wrong with me. *sighs

Me: Oo Oooo pick me pick me I know *raises hand with answer

@LlamaInaTux

Girlfriend: *whispering* Have you ever thought of getting rid of that mole?
Me: He may be blind, but he’s not deaf

@SteveSuckington

*on blind date*

Her: you wore pajama pants on a first date?

Me: wtf? I thought you were blind!

@MomofTeen

Whenever I think of you, I am grateful for the many, many miles between us.

@junejuly12

Every time I see inside my neighbour’s incredibly pristine garage, I wonder what secret shenanigans he is up to in his basement.

@aissalanis

Whatcha eating over there? It sounds crunchy.

Hannibal Lecter: Doritoes

@thenatewolf

*everybody gasps as I drop the baby*
Oh no was it expensive?

@Thynebear

[In Court]

Does the Defense have any last words?

*defense rises* DE-FENSE

*Judge holds up picket fence*

DE-FENSE

*Jury starts The Wave*

@alicewhitey

Just saw a cyclist put his hand out to indicate he was turning left when a lone pedestrian high fived him. I feel so good right now.