Coworker: I don’t even know what’s wrong with me. *sighs
Me: Oo Oooo pick me pick me I know *raises hand with answer
HELP!! AHHHH! HELP! I CAN’T SEE!!
Him: Are you stuck in your sweater again?
Me: *muffled voice*
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Girlfriend: *whispering* Have you ever thought of getting rid of that mole?
Me: He may be blind, but he’s not deaf
*on blind date*
Her: you wore pajama pants on a first date?
Me: wtf? I thought you were blind!
Whenever I think of you, I am grateful for the many, many miles between us.
Every time I see inside my neighbour’s incredibly pristine garage, I wonder what secret shenanigans he is up to in his basement.
Whatcha eating over there? It sounds crunchy.
Hannibal Lecter: Doritoes
*everybody gasps as I drop the baby*
Oh no was it expensive?
Does the Defense have any last words?
*defense rises* DE-FENSE
*Judge holds up picket fence*
*Jury starts The Wave*
-Elephants who just saw The Peanuts Movie
Just saw a cyclist put his hand out to indicate he was turning left when a lone pedestrian high fived him. I feel so good right now.