WORM: Why do caterpillars think they are better than us?
OTHER WORM: *is drowning in a very shallow puddle*
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Co Worker- so are you a dog or a cat person?
Me- Ummm i dunno, i usually have chicken or steak??Sometimes shrimp?
What do you recommend?
Found a potato way under my kid’s bed and I’m not even surprised, just relieved it’s not that old of a potato
watching the football game but shaking my head the whole time so everybody knows i disagree with it
In our wedding, I’ll invite his ex and be like “Still believe you can get him back?”
Welcome to Twitter 2 point Uh oh.
I always wondered if the distinct piss smell that Burger King is known for is authentic or if it’s just a spray they use.
Please stop inviting me to bars where I have to stand up the whole time I’m not a dairy cow
I accidentally swallowed some Scrabble squares.
Going for a poo could spell trouble!
when everyone’s out sick and you’re the only one working in the office all week
[kidnapper hands wife phone]
“brent”
BABY IM COMIN *kidnapper takes back phone but she can hear me yelling* IS THE HAM IN THE FRIDGE EXPIRED
My neighbors are having a terrible fight in the front yard. I mean hanging Christmas lights. Same.
an hour on the treadmill is not so bad if you don’t turn it on.
Me: *draws pentagram, chants in latin*
Demon: *possesses me*
Me: *head spins around, neck cracks several times* ahh yeah that’s the shit
Demon: same time next week?
Girl: Saying hot is disrespectful. You should say ‘beautiful’ instead.
Me: Ok.
Me: Can you please pass the beautiful sauce?
Can’t, I’m about to turn 50 and my lower back is almost 83.
I forgot to bring my bags to the grocery store, people looked at me like I drove there on an aerosol can, then slit a baby seal’s throat.
Depression ads overestimate my need to hike.
“Half a league, half a league, half a league onward,” though obscure has a better ring to it than 2640 yards, 2640 yards, 2640 yards onward.
Me: Mum was I adopted?
Mum: Yes, but they gave you back
5, to her brother: I’m going to punch you in the head.
Me: We don’t hit. Keep your hands to yourself.
[pause]
5, to her brother: I’m going to kick you in the head.
Whenever somebody asks me what my hobby is, there is a long uncomfortable pause and then I back away until I can’t see them anymore.
What do Me, Santa Claus and the Easter Bunny have in common? You guessed it: we’re all white.
If someone specifies that you’re book-smart and not street-smart or street-smart but not book-smart, they’re calling you stupid.
The electric toothbrush battery died but luckily my skill set allows me to use it like a manual.
with extra mice
“rice or mice”
mice
“we don- are u a snake”
yes
“we cant deliver to a snake”
d’you know how long it took to dial this number
Me, a millennial, weighing the pros and cons of two homes on Zillow I cannot afford.
She’s got a great personality!
It’s the other 6 personalities that I’m worried about….
*sees hot guy
*wiggles eyebrows
*licks lips
*winks, contact lens falls into coffee, sips coffee, gags on contact lens*mouths* “call me”
No offense but why do birds even have feet? Seems greedy.