me: [searching for the will to live]
will: I have a girlfriend
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(my funeral)
Spouse, crying: I’ll miss you, my love. Your with the angels now.Ghost me, whispering in his ear: *you’re
S: Oh ffs!
*Goes to a monastery knocks on the door. A monk answers the door.
Monk: (smiles) Hello. May I help you?
Me: By Chance is your name Chip?
Monk: What?
Me: If your name is Chip that would make you Chip-Monk! Get it? Like Alvin yah know?
Monk: *Whispers “Thou Shall Not Kill”.
in movies the saddest thing a single woman can do is eat a microwave dinner, but a true rock bottom is eating a hot dog with normal bread as a bun…studios are too scared of that reality
Your metabolism after age 40 is like, “Nah, I like you fat.”
You sure about that?
Cop: You already had your phonecall now state your name for the tape or you’re going to jail
Ivana Fonekaal: [looks at lawyer]
A guy from HS asked my best friend why I hate him.
She said, “It’s not personal. Amy hates everybody.”
It’s cool that she gets me.
[in HR]
We’re letting you go because you won’t stop referring to going to the bathroom as “live streaming”
Still cracks me up
Soccer is fun until you think about the ball’s feelings.
If you can start the toilet paper roll without clawing it like a velociraptor then you’re a wizard.
Cheers Twitter.
When I was younger MTV actually played videos. That’s what the M stands for. Music. Not Maternity, Motherhood or Moron.
[ikea date]
him: let’s go check out the beds 😉
me: *mouthful of meatballs* they sell furniture here?
Me: I wish I never had to go outside
Me after listening to 10 minutes of NPR: I bet I could milk a goat, for I am so knowledgeable in such things
[finishing dinner]
her: should we stay for dessert, or you want to back to my place for that 😉
me: *scanning the menu* do you have chocolate souffle at your place?
her: no, but-
me: let’s stay
wtf? Somehow in the past 9 months, someone has snuck in & shrunk my winter clothes
accidentally put my phone on airplane mode when i was in my car and the tires fell off
“Trust your gut” ok first of all my gut wants pizza 24 hours a day
6yo: I wish I was a bird so I could poop on people’s heads.
7yo: Why do you need to be a bird?
If painting yourself into a corner was considered art, I’d be Michelangelo
Dreamed I won the lottery last night – $35 on a scratch ticket. Clearly I have a rich fantasy life lately.
Men always be like “if you liked me, why didn’t you say something” like ?! bro I am literally out here clutching my rose quartz pendant and saying your name three times with my eyes closed every night before I fall asleep.
What more could I have done?
I talk a lot of shit for someone who just climbed out my passenger side door because there was a wasp on my window.
Remember that time when we got trapped on a ski-lift for 4 days, then the acid wore off and we were just sitting on my grandmas porch-swing.
The pastor’s sermon went on so long that even Jesus got up and walked out.
who will die first, you or grey’s anatomy?
I’ve decided that bringing a condom to a gunfight wasn’t the smartest choice for protection.
Wrong answers only
Answer: Marriage
Kill someone with an icecream cone and eat it afterward. They can’t convict with no murder weapon. It’s the perfect crime. Plus, ice cream.