Me, seductively: I can tie the stem in a knot using my tongue 😉
Pumpkin patch owner: Get out
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pirate captain: did you finish burying the treasure chest
me: yes, and i marked it on the map with an x
pirate captain: there’s like 20 x’s on here
me: that’s in case the map falls into the wrong hands
me: you take my breath away!
scuba instructor: sir, just give me the tank
This is the ideal bird body
You may not like it, but this is what peak performance looks like
scared the mailman today by coming to the door naked.
Not sure if he was more surprised by that or that I knew where he lived…
Girls be crying over a dude who reads at a 3rd grade reading level. He’s not ignoring your text, he’s sounding it out. Give him a second.
Guy – “Hey are you famous?”
Me – “No.”
Guy – “Oh you look like this comedian.”
Me – “I don’t speak English.”
Guy – “Oh! Where are you from?”
Me – “The Ukraine.”
Guy – “My father is Ukrainian.”
Me – “Oh, then I’m from Spain.”
Forcibly removed from the bowling alley for throwing overhand again
Imagine being at your therapist’s office and your card declines so your therapist spends the next hour roasting you to undo all of the progress you gained through therapy
I order so much Chinese food the delivery guy must think I’m a middle aged divorced homicide detective in an 80s movie.
I HAD
THE TIME OF MY LIFE
AND I NEVER FELT THIS WAY BEFORE
Gym employee: Sorry ma’am, but to cancel your membership you have to come in & fill out paperwork.
Me:*sigh* FINE. Where are you located?
A car with a car rack looked like a police car, so I slowed down, only to realize I had been tricked into obeying the law FOR NO REASON.
This guy at the gym just did 3 sets of selfies.
No, LinkedIn. I would not like to link my Twitter account but thank you for trying to get me unemployed for life.
[leaving Whole Foods]
wife: Can you believe we only spent $100?
*bag rips*
*apple falls out*
me:
wife:
me: Well that was a waste of $100
Imagine a spider. Scary, right? Wrong. This spider is imaginary. Really makes you think
wife: i’m leaving you
me: is it because i’m a chameleon
wife: no you’re not
me: I can change I swear
FLIGHT ATTENDANT: attention passengers is anyone here a doctor
PASSENGERS: sorry no
FLIGHT ATTENDANT: um ok then is anyone here a pilot
I remember when asking someone if they were on X meant something completely different.
“I’ll take you for a walk when I’m damn well good and ready!” I say to my dog, defiantly putting on my coat, hat, gloves and scarf while grabbing her leash.
My wife and I stood waving to the neighbor for 10 minutes this morning before we realized she was cleaning her windows.
SUPERMAN: *putting on a bird costume with airplane wings* Now to really screw with them
(I am 6 months pregnant)
Me after ordering my coffee:
Stranger at Starbucks: you know you should be drinking decaf when you’re pregnant.
Me: I’m… not pregnant.
Stranger: (horrified) I am so, so sorry!
And that’s what you get for giving unsolicited advice.
that feeling when you hold her face in your hands & gaze into her eyes like she’s the universe, then u think “wait a minute, who’s driving”
[During sex]
Her: That fan of yours is loud and distracting
Me: It helps me in bed
Fan: *clapping approvingly* Yeah bro WORK THOSE HIPS
So much gross product placement in THE SHINING. It’s like, fine, I’ll buy an axe.
Everybody: *Was Kung Fu fighting*
Everybody: *Hurts*
ketchup is a weird flavor to do for a chip. just empty a ketchup bottle on a regular chip like the rest of us, bozo!
[blind date]
HER: I like puns but they have to be, you know, artistic
ME: Vincent van…go on
I don’t want to marry Bill Gates because he’s rich.
I want to marry Bill Gates so I never have to fix my own computer.