ME: *seductively removes her G-string*
HER: Could you please just hurry up and finish restringing my guitar?
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For somebody who ate their twin in utero I sure am a fussy eater
Friend: I’m getting married!
Me: I suffer from IBS.
F: Why are you telling me that?
M: I thought we were just stating unfortunate truths.
taking cats to the vet is hard because you can’t lie and be like, “we are going to the park!” since they don’t want to go there either.
BRITISH PEOPLE: so, shoe sizes go up in halves to 13 and then start again at 1. Women’s clothes go up in 2s but using only even numbers. Height is in feet made up of 12 inches and weight is in stones made up of 14…
ALIEN: are there any smarter animals we can talk to?
“Then we are agreed: we shall have a duel to the death at sunrise. And if I oversleep you will start without me.”
Just want to be bitten by a spider without the obligation of becoming a superhero.
Being betrayed by a friend is sad but being betrayed by your food is devastating
Writing without pants on is a simple pleasure.
Shame I can’t go back to Starbucks though.
Sign in the window of one of our local bookshops!
Farts are like children. The only ones that I like are my own.
I aspire to be a stay-at-home mom with no kids
The worst words a parent can hear: I’m not tired
Every so often I’ll tell my son the car is making strange noises and that I need to listen just to get a break from hearing him talk.
*DJ drops the beet*
ERRYBODY IN THE CLUB begins wondering why the DJ would bring a root vegetable to work with him.
one time a girl told me she listens to “anything but country” so i played pterodactyl noises on on full volume the whole way to Ruby Tuesday
I don’t care how bad it looks in the casket I want to pay the boatman with fettuccine alfredo
“I’d have to say my two favorite things are sex, and not having my head bitten off.”
-soon to be disappointed praying mantis
This is your gentle reminder that one time in the Bible Elijah was like “God, I’m so mad! I want to die!” so God said “Here’s some food. Why don’t you have a nap?” So Elijah slept, ate, & decided things weren’t so bad. Never underestimate the spiritual power of a nap & a snack.
I tried to make a batch of rum balls. But now they’re just balls and i’m drunk.
[LUNCH INTERVIEW]
“Our office attire is formal, is that ok?”
*I adjust my tie and the little tie on my corndog*
Sure.
Coworker: What are those chocolate coins you guys get on Hanukkah called?
Me: Gelt.
Coworker: Guilt?
Me: No, Jews get that all year round.
Bruce Willis is talking to a parrot. “I’m Bruce Willis” he says. The parrot repeats it. “yeah right” Bruce says, but is secretly worried
all i’m saying is if you genuinely think the up-scaled gorilla would ever beat the NUCLEAR-POWERED GIANT LIZARD MONSTER in a fight then i fundamentally don’t understand you as a person
Trying to get healthier, I took up shadow boxing. I’m getting a lot better at it, but so is he.
Been running on this treadmill for three hours but the timer says 16 minutes
Imagine if you could do crimes like a corporation. Like they find 20 kids in an underground dungeon in my house and I then pledge to reduce the amount of kids in the dungeon by 2030 and I’m praised for my efforts to get kid dungeons out of my industry
*puts wine in cart*
*crosses “wine” off the list my wife gave me*
*puts more wine in cart*
*crosses “more wine” off the list my wife gave me*
I thought my Monday couldn’t get any worse but then Linda from HR said I can’t *make* people in the office call me Stingray.
who started finding eggs and was like “it was probably a rabbit”
ppl come over to ur house and are like “can i get myself a glass of water” and ur like “sure” and u look over and they’ve chosen literally the most random glass you’ve ever seen