I’m surprised God doesn’t make Christian Rock Bands sound better.
Me: *seductively spreading peanut butter on my chest
Sir, you’re going to have to leave.
Me: *reluctantly gets off treadmill
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If my kids made a Lego Movie song
Everything Is Stickyy
Anywhere Is Cool For Wiping Your Hands
Everything Is Stickyyy
And Mommy Will Scream
The conditions inside my car have drawn attention from my boyfriend, my mother, and the Center for Disease Control.
We found out today how many people it takes to hold me down for a flu shot.
WOMAN: pls help, theres a man outside terrorizing me
911: haha aww that just means he likes you
MURDERER (at window): HEY SHUT UP I DO NOT
The American flags on the moon have been bleached white from 44 years of solar radiation. If aliens ever attack, we’ve already surrendered.
Is there any reason why these two shouldn’t be wed?
* me yelling * SHE THINKS WOLVERINE COULD BEAT PREDATOR
Lent is a holiday invented by the banks to sell more loans
I’m as useless as the top two buttons on a Greek mans dress shirt.
Ask a man if he’s critiquing your work…
Men Who Are Dating say: No, & compliment you.
Single Men say: Yes
Married Men: Try to hide