Me: *seductively spreading peanut butter on my chest
Sir, you’re going to have to leave.
Me: *reluctantly gets off treadmill
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How to eat French fries:
1) Eat all the good ones.
2) Leave the yucky ones and feel superior.
3) Wait 5 minutes.
4) Eat all the yucky ones.
I WILL NOT click on your tinyurl link, no matter what people are saying about me.
After my husband explained in detail what he does for work, my 6-year-old asked if he has fun at work so clearly he was not listening to a single thing my husband said.
6-year-old: I have a spelling test tomorrow.
Me: What do you have to spell?
6: Words, probably.
modern restaurant names either tell you everything about them or nothing. It’s either ‘meat and bread’ or it’s ‘effervescent’ but either way you’re paying $16 for a cocktail
I started a book club. A coloring book club. There’s a line to get in. We’re never on the same page. Nothing’s black & white. We’re well red
The Wolf of Wall Street.
Im not saying your cat doesnt care about you…
Im saying that if
Lassie was a cat,
Timmy would still be in that well…
Do not let #FyreFestival refugees into the country. We cannot risk it if even ONE of them has been radicalized.
“Screw you, my face doesn’t look like that at all” – an actual duck.
Dr: I’m afraid you’ve got airportitis
Patient: airportitis? I’ve never heard of it. Is it… serious?
Dr: it’s terminal
P:
Dr:
P:
Dr: nah, you’ve just got a cold
P: you’re an awful human being
I could never give up my dog, he knows too much
WATSON: It appears the victim died upon entering the bathroom
HOLMES: And how did you deduce he wasn’t leaving?
WATSON: No shit, Sherlock.
[Comes home and wife is laying in bed with Another Man]
“Hey”
Hi
“Can I ask you something?”
Yup
“Why’d you name the dog ‘Another Man’ babe?”
If a rookie ever pulls a gun on me and says “stop or I’ll shoot” I‘ll simply smirk and say “not with the safety on”, causing him to check and giving me the time I need to grab a gun, put on a bullet proof vest, do some elite training/conditioning, fire off some practice rounds,
Leaf blowers… making leaves your neighbor’s problem since 1977.
Only just finding out about a past glitch in Sims 4 where your pet can text you.
Life advice: Your bark may be worse than your bite but you really shouldn’t bark at people either.
I look at beautiful girls the same way I look at traffic. Meaning that I’m stuck and going nowhere with them
Maybe if you knew Garfield’s parents were murdered on a monday by anti lasagna activists you wouldn’t be so judgmental.
I don’t hold a grudge. I need both hands free for the chainsaw.
PITCHER: *throws a ball*
UMPIRE: Ball four. Walk!
AUDIENCE (who are dogs): *goes apeshit*
A billion yahoo accounts got hacked, but the most surprising thing is that a billion people had yahoo accounts.
Every morning I wake up and every morning there is no breakfast in bed. We have got to do something about this level of poverty!
Writing advice: Write well, not badly. Keep writing until the book is finished. After you’re finished, get the book published. Sell a lot of copies, not just a few.
tried to lock my phone and ended up taking a screenshot to commemorate my failure
5 ways to appear taller
Want air conditioning on the shuttle bus? Open a window, Your Majesty.
*First bite of pancakes
“This is the greatest food ever!”
*Last bite of pancakes
“In the name of Gru and all his minions I shall never eat this food again”