@AmericanGent69

Me: *seductively spreading peanut butter on my chest

Sir, you’re going to have to leave.

Me: *reluctantly gets off treadmill

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@Marlebean

If my kids made a Lego Movie song

Everything Is Stickyy
Anywhere Is Cool For Wiping Your Hands
Everything Is Stickyyy
And Mommy Will Scream

@juneohara65

The conditions inside my car have drawn attention from my boyfriend, my mother, and the Center for Disease Control.

@WilliamAder

We found out today how many people it takes to hold me down for a flu shot.

@john_vavra

WOMAN: pls help, theres a man outside terrorizing me

911: haha aww that just means he likes you

MURDERER (at window): HEY SHUT UP I DO NOT

@kelkulus

The American flags on the moon have been bleached white from 44 years of solar radiation. If aliens ever attack, we’ve already surrendered.

@Dis0beyJay

[at wedding]
Is there any reason why these two shouldn’t be wed?

* me yelling * SHE THINKS WOLVERINE COULD BEAT PREDATOR

*pianist vomits*

@DanMentos

Lent is a holiday invented by the banks to sell more loans

@DurtMcHurtt

I’m as useless as the top two buttons on a Greek mans dress shirt.

@GoldenSpirals

Ask a man if he’s critiquing your work…

Men Who Are Dating say: No, & compliment you.

Single Men say: Yes

Married Men: Try to hide