genie: i’ll grant you one wish now and then an additional wish every six months
me: i thought i got three wishes right now
genie: trust me this arrangement is much better at reducing your tax burden at the end of the year
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I was jumping on the trampoline with my son and now my neighbour won’t stop mowing his lawn next to the fence
[On phone with circus]
Hannibal: “I’m wanna ask about the job”
Ringmaster: “OK. So we just fire you into a net. Then you stand up, wave. That’s it”
Hannibal: “When do I eat the human flesh?”
Ringmaster: “Uh? Are we talking about the Human Cannonball job?”
Hannibal: *hangs up
Parenting is easy once you learn the secret. For the love of god, please tell me the secret.
My 5 year old still has so much to learn. I asked him for a screwdriver and he brought me some sort of tool.
Who called it cremation and not ashashination
Sorry I replied “yikes” to your selfie.
Costume idea:
Dress up like milkshake, wait in the yard.
I’m looking at two autographs of Mickey Mouse and I’m pretty sure one of them is a forgery.
me: i need an appointment for tomorrow
receptionist: how about 9
me: no i only need one
at soccer practice a mom next to me asked her kids if they wanted to do cartwheels with her and i’m like shut up no one likes you
“I’m not drunk, I’m a zombie…”
~Me passing out candy on Halloween
[In Court]
Does the Defense have any last words?
*defense rises* DE-FENSE
*Judge holds up picket fence*
DE-FENSE
*Jury starts The Wave*
I don’t think either person should pay for the first date. It should be on the house
If you’ve been reading a book for more than a month you are in a relationship with that book and now you have to say hi to it when you come home
I would rather weave a suit out of my grandfather’s pubic hair than “pull an all-nighter” with you.
Inside you are two wolves. Inside each of them? You guessed it: two more wolves. Are there two wolves inside each of those two wolves? You better believe there are. You are a wolf pyramid scheme, my friend.
In Starbucks a woman went sh*t house rat crazy when she got a double shot of espresso instead of the triple shot she ordered. I’m fine now.
Me: I try to avoid working out while on vacation.
Also me: [lugs seven beach chairs, five umbrellas, a cooler, a bag containing snacks and 13 bottles of sunscreen, and a cornhole set down a half-mile down to the beach through eight inches of soft sand]
Relationship or hallucination? Either way, I’m seeing somebody.
It may be autocorrect, but I’m excited to see how this plays out when I drive my friend to pickup her satan wedding dress.
Good advice.
‘Siri, am I an alcoholic?’, I whisper into my burrito.
*Looks around nervously* The steam from my pasta is ungluing my chest hair toupee and the other mafia bosses are taking notice.
My heart hurts when you’re not around
*buuurrrrpp*
Never mind
Leave the past behind. Smile every day. Never wear underwear. I don’t know. Inspirational tweets are hard.
[blind date]
HER: I love the fall
ME {trying to impress her}: Lucifer had it coming
Welcome to Yoga class. You’ll slowly ease into half splits, and then you’ll remain there for the rest of your life.
I wish the girls who rejected me in high school could see how many Pokémon I’ve caught.
Sarcasm so good, they think you’re being nice.
If you cut your goat in half you’ll have two goats, that’s just simple math.