@PopeAwesomeXIII

Me: See? To prove I’m not some boring house dad, I got a tattoo.

Her: Oh cool! It’s… uh?

Me: (proudly) It’s my thermos! From work!

Her: Well, uh, the line work is certainly…

Me: Don’t touch the thermos tat.

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@KalvinMacleod

Steps to survive on a dessert island:
1. check spelling
2. if correct, enjoy

@Pro_Jones_

Me: Boss our sales are really going updog.

Boss: You mean up?

Me: No, updog.

Boss: What’s updog?

Me: Not our sales. We’re bankrupt.

@mooodles

People who comment with ‘goose bums’ on YouTube videos, more power to you!

@Pork_Chop_Hair

If you see my brave face, do not make eye contact and back away slowly. I haven’t worn it in weeks and I’m afraid it has gone rogue.

@timdonakowski

Thousands of married racists are waking up this morning and questioning the skin color of their spouse.

@alexlumaga

I refuse to care about a royal baby in England while the Burger King remains heirless. Does no one remember the horrors of the Burger Wars

@TheBoydP

I know it sounds mean but when I’m mad at my wife and want to lash out, I do laundry “my way”.