“How hard up for cash do you have to be to wear a chicken suit & wave at cars,” I think, adjusting the beak protruding from my forehead
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Limbo is the only sport where being really bad at it means you’re raising the bar.
“This sunscreen smells like eggs.” -me, drunk at the lake and smearing myself with mayonnaise
wife: i’m going into labor
husband: when
wife: now
husband: [sets plate of nachos down] jesus christ karen i just made these
me 2 months after i graduated
My sense of direction can only be described as unacceptable.
One of Jesus’ most impressive accomplishments was being 33 years old and still having 12 really close friends.
Is a fake boyfriend a placebeau?
My mom always put safety first. She used to warn me about running with scissors as we rode in her convertible with no seatbelts going 80 mph on the highway after she had a few beers.
Went to my niece’s elementary school field day last week.
I won every single event.
Every. Single. Event.
Me: Aww, a bear!
Bear: You’re being audited by the IRS.
Me: Oh no, a bad news bear.
[11am]
Me: oh look, it’s sunny out.
Me: I should go running.
Me: or swimming!
Me: these Doritos are delicious.
Bylaws shmylaws I’m digging a moat.
I was watching my son at soccer practice and couldn’t believe how good he’s gotten. I was trying to figure out how he improved so much in just a couple of days, and then I realized I was watching someone else’s kid.
Sorry but why wasn’t Jesus suspicious when he got invited to the “Last Supper”
I’m boycotting 50 Shades of Grey because it perpetuates the stereotype that men can change.
wife: That guy is texting and driving! That is so dangerous!
me [holding a donut in each hand and steering with my knee]: So dangerous
If I accidentally put a live scorpion in my mouth and chewed on it, am I going to die? Don’t ask how that happened….but my tongue is numb.
The only person who listens to me in my house is my dog, and even he pees on the floor sometimes.
Teamwork is essential, it allows you to blame someone else.
The most embarrassing thing about mistaking pilates class for pirates class is concealing my musket.
I shed so much hair, I couldn’t commit a perfect murder if I tried.
hair coloring options for women:
out of a box = $12.99
going to a hair salon = $7,000
wife [text] I’m so proud of you for sticking to your diet
me [can’t respond because there’s powdered donut on my fingers]
Pancakes are just waffles that
decided to go off the grid.
Me: ‘Can I offer you something to drink?’
Waiter: ‘I’m sorry?’
Me: ‘I know, it’s weird right? Now you try.’
Only a fool would use the toothbrush the dentist gives you. You think the dentist would freely hand you the tools that would keep them away?
SON: Why did mommy leave?
ME: You know how in your fav movie the t-rex fights the velociraptors even though it might die?
SON: Yeah
ME: She said that shit was fake yo
Sounds about right. 😂🤣
her: u excited for the next Star Wars?
me: [sweating] did we win the last one
The baby’s trying to eat the poinsettia again
Well, maybe we should get rid of it
The plant? But we just got it
. . .Haha yeah, the plant