@PopeAwesomeXIII

Me: See? To prove I’m not some boring house dad, I got a tattoo.

Her: Oh cool! It’s… uh?

Me: (proudly) It’s my thermos! From work!

Her: Well, uh, the line work is certainly…

Me: Don’t touch the thermos tat.

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@shahrouzt

My dad recently fell for one of those Nigerian prince scam emails. I feel bad for him but I really needed the money.

@that1bish27

“I traded my carpet in for bare floors” –coworker. “Oh, me too. I love the shaved look.”, said me. Apparently, she really meant carpet.

@Annoyedworld

I don’t think I’m a father but I better celebrate just incase I am…

@TheBoydP

“See you on the other side…”

~Me every time I’m at a gate with someone

@GrantTanaka

wife: u should’ve paid more attention in school
me: what why
wife: u brought home the wrong kids

@AngryRaccoon2

Hi I’m in my forties and I cry when I drop something on the floor and have to bend over and pick it up.

@KentWGraham

“I just ate a vegetarian meal” sounds so much healthier than “I just ate two full sleeves of Oreos.”

@WilliamAder

If HBO released all ten episodes of Game of Thrones at once, maybe I’d be able to remember the characters’ names from episode to episode.

@CulturedRuffian

Waiter: Would you like regular or decaf?
Me: Do you want me to tip you with real money or Monopoly money?

@Tmoney68

[Courtroom]

Judge: One more word & I’ll hold you in contempt!

Me: Yes! *jumps on his lap & throws arms around him* This is nice.