Steps to survive on a dessert island:
1. check spelling
2. if correct, enjoy
Me: See? To prove I’m not some boring house dad, I got a tattoo.
Her: Oh cool! It’s… uh?
Me: (proudly) It’s my thermos! From work!
Her: Well, uh, the line work is certainly…
Me: Don’t touch the thermos tat.
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Me: Boss our sales are really going updog.
Boss: You mean up?
Me: No, updog.
Boss: What’s updog?
Me: Not our sales. We’re bankrupt.
took my mom to detective pikachu she said she liked the “garlic pokemon”
People who comment with ‘goose bums’ on YouTube videos, more power to you!
If you see my brave face, do not make eye contact and back away slowly. I haven’t worn it in weeks and I’m afraid it has gone rogue.
Thousands of married racists are waking up this morning and questioning the skin color of their spouse.
I refuse to care about a royal baby in England while the Burger King remains heirless. Does no one remember the horrors of the Burger Wars
I know it sounds mean but when I’m mad at my wife and want to lash out, I do laundry “my way”.
guy at the gym: hey can you spot me
me: ya you’re not even hiding
Who blons a dumb de now, eh? WHO BLONS A DUMB DE NOW?