Me: See? To prove I’m not some boring house dad, I got a tattoo.

Her: Oh cool! It’s… uh?

Me: (proudly) It’s my thermos! From work!

Her: Well, uh, the line work is certainly…

Me: Don’t touch the thermos tat.

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My dad recently fell for one of those Nigerian prince scam emails. I feel bad for him but I really needed the money.


“I traded my carpet in for bare floors” –coworker. “Oh, me too. I love the shaved look.”, said me. Apparently, she really meant carpet.


I don’t think I’m a father but I better celebrate just incase I am…


“See you on the other side…”

~Me every time I’m at a gate with someone


wife: u should’ve paid more attention in school
me: what why
wife: u brought home the wrong kids


Hi I’m in my forties and I cry when I drop something on the floor and have to bend over and pick it up.


“I just ate a vegetarian meal” sounds so much healthier than “I just ate two full sleeves of Oreos.”


If HBO released all ten episodes of Game of Thrones at once, maybe I’d be able to remember the characters’ names from episode to episode.


Waiter: Would you like regular or decaf?
Me: Do you want me to tip you with real money or Monopoly money?



Judge: One more word & I’ll hold you in contempt!

Me: Yes! *jumps on his lap & throws arms around him* This is nice.