me: see you tomorrow
coworker: ok it’s a date[later]
me, thinking to myself: a date? but that could lead to affection, intimacy and eventually, love[the next day]
coworker: *just doing work stuff like any other day*
me: *in HR desperately seeking a transfer to Argentina*
if you’re having trouble finding the match to one of your socks, throw it away and the missing one will immediately show up
follow me for more life hacks
perseus is an idiot, he brought a sword to beat medusa. that’s literally trying to beat rock with scissors
pirate: walk the plank
me: ok but i don’t have a leash lol
pirate: *drops sword* dad?
If you stand too close to me in the check out line, you may as well pay for my stuff while you’re breathing down my neck.
I normally have a decent sense of direction but when I leave the exam room at a doctor’s office and have to find my way to the exit I’m suddenly Harry Potter in the Hedge Maze
Accidentally mixed up Sudoku and Sepukku again. Long story short it’s a good thing I was already in a doctor’s waiting room
Forget about whether or not you have curves, real women have brains.
I drank the blood of a vampire. Tasted irony.
Jesus: and when there was but 1 set of footprints, there I carried u
Me: (checks fitbit) ok, phew, it counted the steps, I still got credit
*pops kid’s balloon*
*kid cries and runs away*
*picks up kid’s cake*
Husband: wtf is wrong with you?
Me: his piece was bigger!!
subtitles are for when you’re eating chips
Starting another round of pottery classes. I may just be a beginner, but I’m feeling inspired. What should I make tonight?
a. A bowl
or
b. A bowl
I would walk barefoot over hot koalas for you.
My husband asked me to cut his hair. I think the zigzag designs turned out very well despite his bad attitude.
me: hmm…that’s a real head-scratcher…I don’t know there are significant pros and cons to each choice…maybe I should make a spreadsheet and do a cost analysis…
netflix, impatiently: dude, just pick something already
That awkward moment when a person says they need their beauty sleep when what they really need is plastic surgery.
Stop shaming yourself for not pursuing a traditional career path. “Sea-witch who steals voices” is a real job. “Lady with snakes for hair” is a real job. “Prophetic hag who appears only in dreams” is a real job. Your career is valid ❤️
I don’t buy fat-free milk because I don’t want to encourage cows with negative body image issues.
“Who let the dogs out” they ask. “No idea” I say. They let me go. As I walk away from the police station my limp slowly disappears.
[girl’s night out]
WIFE: I’m off then
ME: Okay
WIFE: Don’t do anything obtuse
ME: Pfft – give me a break!
{5 min later}
ME *googling obtuse*
Mockingbird: I imitate other birds.
Hummingbird: I make a humming noise. What do you do?
Swallow: *Blushes*
This is up on a telephone pole in south Minneapolis and I am dissolved in laughter:
Her: My dad’s sister does my taxes
Me: So she’s your accountAunt? Lol, hey, where are you going?
It’s time for people to stop being hateful about fat bodies and start being hateful about fat vehicles. I hate SUVs. They look like full diapers squishing down the road, constantly spilling into other lanes. Why do so many people need to drive around in a studio apartment?
Don’t ever forget where you came from. That’s most likely where you left your car.
i broke into my neighbors house and put one (1) pringle in their bag of lays potato chips
Accidentally ate the sticker on my apple. This wouldn’t have happened if it had been a Snickers.
party idea: “DUI or IUD?” u can only invite people who have one or both and u CAN’T divulge which
Getting lucky during a pandemic means I just scored the last bag of doritos in the grocery store.
If by environmentalist you mean “I try to get out of doing things by saying it’s bad for the environment” then yes, I’m an environmentalist.
