Well played, super clean sliding glass door I thought I’d left open. Well played.
ME SEEING A CELEBRITY IS TWO DAYS OLDER THAN ME: oh good, I still have time
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I like my women like I like my coffee. I look at coffee but I am afraid to talk to it
if u told me 20yrs ago that we’d have a black prez w/ the middle name Hussein, I’d have kept playing w/ my ninja turtles cuz I was 9 in 1993
When it comes to politics I’m an agnostic. I don’t believe there’s an honest politician nor can I prove that one does not exist.
*seductively peels off lederhosen
Fitness level: Just used a yoga DVD as a coaster for my beer.
[High school reunion]
Hey guys! Remember me!?
How about now? *puts an entire toilet on my head*
(in unison) CHRIS!
* wishes on shooting star
” the wish you have wished for has already been taken, please try again”
ME: Happiness often sneaks in through a door that you didn’t realize you left open.
ANIMAL CONTROL OFFICER: You weren’t supposed to name the raccoon before we got here-
HUSBAND: What should Santa get you for Christmas?
ME: A tennis ball machine filled with mini donuts?
HUSBAND: Powdered or chocolate?
ME: I love you.