@WenzlerPowers

ME SEEING A CELEBRITY IS TWO DAYS OLDER THAN ME: oh good, I still have time

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@10InchesPlus

Well played, super clean sliding glass door I thought I’d left open. Well played.

@Ristolable

I like my women like I like my coffee. I look at coffee but I am afraid to talk to it

@chuchugoogoo

if u told me 20yrs ago that we’d have a black prez w/ the middle name Hussein, I’d have kept playing w/ my ninja turtles cuz I was 9 in 1993

@carlyken

When it comes to politics I’m an agnostic. I don’t believe there’s an honest politician nor can I prove that one does not exist.

@insipidmoron

Fitness level: Just used a yoga DVD as a coaster for my beer.

Namaste.

@Tommytoughstuff

[High school reunion]
Hey guys! Remember me!?
“No”
How about now? *puts an entire toilet on my head*
(in unison) CHRIS!

@TheAlexP

* wishes on shooting star

” the wish you have wished for has already been taken, please try again”

@roxiqt

ME: Happiness often sneaks in through a door that you didn’t realize you left open.

ANIMAL CONTROL OFFICER: You weren’t supposed to name the raccoon before we got here-

@sixfootcandy

HUSBAND: What should Santa get you for Christmas?

ME: A tennis ball machine filled with mini donuts?

HUSBAND: Powdered or chocolate?

ME: I love you.