If someone tweets in the bathroom they are live streaming.
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If she ever says: What did you just say!? I recommend an immediate heart attack and let the paramedics carry you out of the room.
Funny how airport security always “randomly” chooses me for physical checking. Even when I’m not even at the airport and chilling at home.
When I said “it’s so big” I was referring to my disappointment
One surefire way to get people to stop self-deprecating is to agree with them.
Zen master: Do you possess the Buddha nature?
Me: Well, I’ve spent 49 days under a tree. But that was just laziness.
Your Honor, my client argues that juggling chicken nuggets while driving is actually a skill.
I still have a landline. Or as I like to call it, Cell Phone Finder.
the man next to me at this airport bar just sent at least 30 cry laugh emojis to a person in a text while he sat stoically drinking a heineken
Is it still ‘breakfast’ if you have had midnight snacks in four equal intervals before you woke up formally?
A couple in Halifax got married during hurricane Fiona. The bouquet toss lasted a few hours but eventually someone caught it in Moncton.
It took me 13 years but I finally deleted most of my e-mails.
is it possible to get my dehumidifier to water my houseplants
I do not have a firm grasp on physics but have sketched what I have in my mind, with it strapped to a ceiling fan
I only date men who have cats because they’ve been pre-trained to try and figure out what you want if you just stare at them long enough.
Apparently, Walt Disney was a secret FBI snitch for 26 years so I guess you could say he was a rat who was famous for drawing a mouse.
If a car depreciates as soon as you drive it off the lot then shouldn’t the price go down when you return from a test drive?
A skinny friend told me she’s never hungry and just ‘forgets to eat’, so I drove her out to the woods and left her for dead. Is that wrong?
Me: OMG! Everyone is dead!
Instructor: For the last time, you are late and it’s a yoga class.
give a man a fish and he’ll eat for a day.
give a fish a man and it’s Jaws.
ME: Happiness often sneaks in through a door that you didn’t realize you left open.
ANIMAL CONTROL OFFICER: You weren’t supposed to name the raccoon before we got here-
Tonight I wanna stay at home and watch a movie with my boyfriend.
Can someone recommend a good boyfriend?
I think I speak for all of us when I say I’m being presumptuous.
I didn’t get far in Mario. I thought the guy floating on the cloud was God so I just accepted it when he threw shit at me
I sure didn’t win the genetic lottery. I can eat healthy and diet for 6 months and lose 10 lbs. I eat like shit for 3 and a quarter days and gain 73
ANYTHING can be considered your job if you hate it enough.
My sister and I were in an elevator and a lady got huffy and told us to speak English, so we obliged her and continued our conversation about her in English.
Guy 1: I do a poor impression of Sean Connery.
Guy 2: Shame.
I have no passwords left in me
When someone looks over my shoulder while I’m on the computer, I open up a new tab and start searching, “HOW TO KILL THE PERSON BEHIND ME.”
Nothing like waking up on a Friday and finding out it’s Tuesday
I think I married someone else’s soulmate. I wish they’d come get him.