Still my favorite headline of all time:
Me: *seeing a used condom on my lawn* This is disgusting!
Neighbor: OMG STOP TASTING IT
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advisor: sire, the kingdom is in chaos, the streets ravaged with crime, surely you can spare so-
king: NO. the egg needs ALL my men
I have never understood why people need to shovel snow. Why don’t they just live someplace warm where it doesn’t snow?
EXCEL: LOL no problem
Pavlov’s bell, but it’s me reading an email that I think says winebar when it’s actually webinar.
Some people like to stir the pot…
…I prefer to smoke it.
“Apparently she had slaved over her homemade stuffing. At some point during the meal, her brother-in-law announced, ‘I prefer Stove Top,’ and it was then, from what we understand, that the woman snapped.”
-11pm news, tomorrow night
coworker: you alright?
me: my lunch isn’t agreeing with me.
my lunch: global warming is a myth
Ah St Patrick’s Day I better eat some Irish food
*pours self bowl of Lucky Charms*
My four levels of drunk:
4. Turtle stuck on its back