me: *seeing the Statue of Liberty* oh my god

apes: *smiling* yes, as you can see, we have taken over the ea-

me: we got one of those on my planet!!! it’s called earth and it’s where I’m from!!!

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My brother’s so homophobic that if he dropped his keys in San Francisco he’d kick them to Oakland before bending over to pick them up.


Harmonicas were invented in 1932 when the worst person in the world decided he needed to organize his hot air into compartments.


“Daddy, are we poor?”
Compared to the vast majority of humans on earth? No.
“Compared to my friends?”
Oh yes, sweety. As the very dirt.


KID: Dad?

DAD: Yes, son

KID: What is the true meaning of Easter?

DAD: Well my boy, when someone wants to go very, very East they g-

KID: Never mind


“I hate karaoke.”

“It’s pronounced kah-rah-oh-keh.”

“Now, I hate you too.”


“You’re the Garbage Man, eh? What’s your super power?”
“I’m just here to take out the trash.”
“Whoa, we’ll get to your catch phrase later.”


doctor: we had to remove your appendix

JRR Tolkien: but that’s where I explain why elves hate dwarves


OLD MAN: I fought in WWII
ME: Oh yeah? What was your kill:death ratio
OLD MAN: what
ME: Can you rocket jump?
OLD MAN: I wish Hitler had won