18 years old: let’s eat pizza at 1am and feel amazing
40 years old: I ate a chicken sandwich at 9pm and had heartburn for two days
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*fooling around with husband*
Husband: Is that a piece of cheese in your bra?
Me: If you wanted any, you should have brought your own snacks!
I bet Eve bit that apple because she knew she was going to get a bunch of clothes out of it.
Praying mantis walks up to his buddies with no head,
“Guess who got laid last night?”
You know why I’ve never been murdered in my sleep? Because I leave a cheese plate out for murderers every night. It’s called hospitality maybe look it up sometime.
Once, when I was drunk, I threw a fan out of my bedroom window because it wouldn’t turn on.
Guess I should of plugged it in first to see why.
As a wife and mother my hobbies include rage cleaning, rage cooking, and rage folding.
Genetics dictate that if two people who refuse to talk before coffee have children, their children will carry the before coffee chatty gene
That awkward moment when you whip off your shirt and realize you never put on your swimsuit
*walks by HR door for 11th time to see if she’s not there so I can take some candy off her desk*
HR: Do you need something Josh?
me: Nope
I’m no mathementientist, but I should probably go to bed because it’s 4AM and I’m making up words again.
I just heard some kind of young person on the radio reviewing a song, referring to “that old retro sound from about 2005”, so, if anyone needs me, I’ll be screaming into a pillow until some blood comes out.
Me: *violently swinging a stick* these piñatas are getting harder to hit
Zip line park owner: Hello 911? He’s back again
I’m voting for whoever my cat thinks I should and my vote counts just as much as yours
What is it like to be a woman in comedy? I would say it’s 1% jokes & 99% answering this question.
[at the bar]
Her: My break up has been so hard…nothing could possibly hurt as much as this!
Sticks A Knife In People Steve: Lol
Hey Ben Carson, at this point in your craziness? Just say you’re Iron Man. What could it hurt?
It’s like the people who drive Smart cars don’t even realize that other cars are an option.
Standing by the stove, eating scrambled eggs out of the frying pan with a spatula, but in a sexy way.
Need to get rid of an annoying guest or person on the phone? Take a kazoo to the speaker and blow it directly into their ear.
You’re welcome.
Kinda miss the Jane Austen era where a man is driven mad by a woman’s hand being ungloved & yet oblivious to her heaving bosom falling out.
GPS: You’re not really lost, you just want someone to talk to.
A friend was talking about her cat bringing her another dead mouse and my ADHD brain did a side quest imagining my snake calling a cat for Door Dash.
Mayonnaise is basically sandwich moisturizer.
[GOD CREATING DUCKS]
Give that chicken a kazoo.
The only recipes they have online are where I’m the one who’s supposed to buy all this stuff and then make it. That’s not what I’m looking for
“They tell me you’re the greatest sniper in the world,” says the stranger.
“Maybe,” I say, tossing a can at the bin, missing it by miles.
My kids came over for their weekly visit and I said to them: “Life is short so never spend time doing anything you don’t want to do.” They said: “Cool! Bye.”
daniel radcliffes agent: hello harry potter
daniel radcliffe: hello
agent: would you like to be in a movie
daniel radcliffe: is it very strange
agent: yes
daniel radcliffe: then yes
agent: when can you get here
daniel radcliffe: i’m in your yard climbing trees as we speak
#FF @funTweeters. They’re the crazies, I tell ya! #humor