Me [seeing they want to give teachers guns because there are guns in schools]: There are also drugs in schools.
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Thoughts and prayers to everyone in Hawaii who finally came clean w/ a spouse or partner thinking the missile was on its way.
Everyone wants to know WHO’S the killer but no one wants to know HOW’S the killer
The Jaws theme stays on during sex.
Imagine the time we’d save if we could just normalize best friends sitting in on marital discussions and arguments so we wouldn’t have to relay all the details later.
kidnappers: get in the car
me: i want to sit in front
barbecue implies the existence of a carolecue and possibly a debecue
what is your most benign unpopular opinion? i don’t mean like “the earth is flat” type of unpopular opinion, i mean like “I think golden retrievers are annoying” unpopular opinion
“Mirror, mirror, on the wall.”
Mover: “Fine. Where do you want the couch?”
Teach a man to shake and he will be able to greet everyone. Give a man a shake and all the boys will come to his yard
Working from home really has its benefits. I can’t even remember the last time I wore pants.
Woman delivering my pizza:
HILLARY CLINTON: Putin wants a puppet as the US president
KERMIT THE FROG: YAAAYYYYYYYYY!!!
Me: *Eating eggs*
Fertility Doctor: That’s disgusting
The problem with this world is that they just let anyone in.
Fact: Canadians are legally allowed to be late for work once a week for ‘reindeer related delays.’
tried adderrall to help my productivity but now I’m just intensely aware of all the things I should be doing
It’s actually a little puzzling that the Centaurs for Disease Control didn’t approve horse dewormer.
If someone asks if I have time to talk about Jesus I tell them yes but they have to give me an equal amount of time to talk about Ducktales.
Meat Loaf, Korn, Limp Bizkit, The Cranberries and the Smashing Pumpkins should go on a Thanksgiving Dinner Tour.
[dracula slapping mosquito]
holy shit that really IS annoying
Sometimes I get my Twitter app and my Tinder app confused. I know now that talking about skin suits to prospective dates is not “funny”.
Officer: Ma’am we take these complaints very seriously so we do need to search your home.
Me: But not the basement, right?
i like the idea of hauntings being a common yet minor inconvenience
Just saw someone holding a sign that said “Honk 2 impeach Obama”
You’d think the process to impeach a president would be more complicated
Found a subreddit where they just post photos of TVs that are too high on the wall
*accidentally points showerhead in wrong direction*
OH NO! MY SHOWER TRISCUITS!
My 4-year-old asked for hot cocoa, but wanted me to put it in the fridge to cool off before he drank it.
I said, “So you basically want chocolate milk.” His look said, “Don’t even think about it.”
HIM: What are you doing?
ME: Hiding some more money in the couch. Can’t trust the banks you know.
HIM: How much is in there?
ME: $5.40
Forgiveness is for people who don’t know about arson.
If the old Superman cartoon had been made today, the first guy who thought the thing up in the sky was a bird would have doubled down on his mistake.
“Oh sure, the mainstream media will tell you that Superman isn’t a bird, but I’ve done my own research…”
Today I will be hosting a book sale until the librarians notice