Me, trying to flirt with the Mormon missionary at my door:
No sir, have YOU heard the Good News? IT’S THAT I’M SINGLE.
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Not saying you’re shady but there is a family of squirrels gathered around your ankles.
When one door closes, I lock it.
I’m not chancing someone else getting in.
Good morning to everyone except people that sit right beside me when there are lots of other seats open.
I hide the fact that I can’t swim by eating every 15 minutes.
How many calories are in Twitter beef?
Wife: *points to 2-year-old* Her shoes are on the wrong feet.
Me: That’s what happens when she puts them on herself.
Wife: I watched you dress her.
I haven’t had one mouth papercut since I stopped flossing with business cards
A ponytail so tight I look 5 years younger and everyone thinks I’ve been smiling all day.
I feel bad for tailgating this minivan so closely but once I started watching Kung Fu Panda on his back seat TV I had to see it through.
King’s men: sorry your highness…we couldn’t put Humpty Dumpty back together again
King (drunk af): let the horses try
Volunteer firefighter battles a house fire until 2 am and still goes to work at 6am.
Me: Wakes up at 7 am and contemplates whether to use a smiling or grinning emoji.
This is so funny you can’t even be mad LOL
My mom put shredded carrots in our Jello, so don’t tell me about your rough childhood.
[notice son’s not home]
[text]
Me: IT’S AFTER MIDNIGHT! I SAID HOME BY 11!
17: You were my ride.
Me: Oh. Where are you again?
Me: *on the toilet*
2yo: *banging on door* Daddy!! Daddy!!! DADDY!!!!
Me: I’m downstairs!
2yo: Oh… *runs off*
Me: Why have I not tried that before?
Doctor: you have 2 weeks to live
Me: is there anything you can do?
Doctor: I can juggle
Me: nice I’ve always wanted to learn how to do that
Doctor: well it took me 3 weeks
Please don’t cry
Seeing your tears makes me have to pee
Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles 7
They go after the guy who has killed 1000s of turtles
The Ninja Turtles corner him
Mario jumps on them all
EXORCIST: the previous tenant was murdered. You can see their ghost in the background of this photo
SPOOKY GHOST VOICE: oooomg deleeeete it
R-E-S-C-E-P-T, found out I need a dictionary
Just yelled, “I will EAT you!” out my window in a fit of road rage, so that was new.
SON: What’re you doing?
ME {scribbling maniacally on a sheet of paper}: Trying to find a solution to global warming!
SON: Cool
ME {slamming fist on the table}: That’s it!!
You know it’s a BBQ type holiday weekend when there are a thousand people in the spice aisle at the grocery store just staring at the spices
It’s so weird that we’ve only have one American president named after a cartoon cat.
If you think it’s impossible to be late for work when you work from home, we probably can’t be friends.
Basically every plane is missing to me. I couldn’t tell you where a single plane is
Me:”The store didn’t have any bread so I brought flour”
Wife:”If they didn’t have butter would you buy a cow”
*sound of hooves in kitchen*
HER: My daughter is named Nevaeh which is heaven spelled backwards.
ME: *Phone rings* Hold on my son Elohssa is calling
Mom asked me what I was drinking the first time I got drunk and I said “breast milk” and now she’s not talking to me.