my car is dead & i saw a dead spider under the hood so like, do i need a new spider? i dont know a lot about how cars work
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#MakeAFilmUncomfortable The Godfather – With Benefits
Werent we promised soylent green by now?
I had three cabbage rolls before bed. No need for an alarm clock.
*walks past yoga studio*
*looks in window*
*eyes widen*Awesome. It’s like kindergarten.
*walks into class*
*unrolls mat*
*takes a nap*
murderer: i forgot all my murder weapons
me: i’ll wait
TIP: If a friend ever says they have a chocolate lab, do not get your hopes up when you are going to their house because they are just talking about a dog
One cool thing about being 33 is that people who are 50 think you might as well be 22 and people who are 22 think you might as well be 50
Today I will be hosting a book sale until the librarians notice
Men’s underwear watching them buy more t shirts
‘I’ve been a very naughty girl!’ she said, licking her lips, ‘I need to be punished . . .’
So he invited his mother to stay for Christmas.
If you don’t pay your exorcist
You get repossessed
Imagine how stupid you’d feel if you pitched “Yabba dabba doo” at that early Flintstones meeting and it didn’t hit
Was listening to Linkin Park and a student said “I didn’t know you liked oldies!”
My horoscope was so wrong today I’m beginning to doubt the science behind this life planning tool.
[date]
HER: Any hobbies?
ME: I collect old comics
HER: Oh! Like 1st editions?
ME: [flashback to Billy Crystal tied up in basement] Sure
[ 4 dentists coming out of the woods ]
me: hey weren’t there five of you
them: (in agreement) no
so a US company has to buy tiktok or the app will be banned??? Well folks, looks like we need to put on the best talent show this town has ever seen.
In some countries your Honor, a nude man painted in bronze while urinating in a public fountain would be considered art.
BOSS: you’re fired
ME: is it because I won’t take no for an answer?
BOSS: no
ME: is it because I won’t take no for an answer?
what if “chicken patty” is just short for “chicken patricia”
me: we should tell our son he’s adopted
wife: but he isn’t
me: I know but I’m bored
Seek respect, not attention. It lasts longer.
grandpa: you kids don’t know how tough life was back when-
me: grandpa if you ate a single Flamin’ Hot Cheeto you would die immediately please check your tone
Pretty proud of myself. I made copies of all the blank white printer paper at work. Doubled our supply for free. Can’t wait to tell my boss.
You take the oxy out of oxymoron
HERE GO MY IMPRESSION OF COMEDY SPECIALS:
JOEY TRUTHBOMBS – “TELLIN IT LIKE IT IS”
Can’t we all just binge watch season 2022 and get it over with?
If by ‘the Hamptons’ you mean ‘my pajamas’, then yes, I absolutely weekend in the Hamptons.
I have literally never stopped thinking about this
My 6 year old doesn’t like it when I take her out on her scooter, but to be honest she shouldn’t stand in my way when I ride it