ME *sees baby crab in stroller*: He’s so cute! I just wanna rip his lil legs off dip em in butter and eat them!

MOM CRAB *beaming*: thank u

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My friend called me from a private number last night so I just returned the favor by knocking on his door with a ski mask on.


[first day as an undercover cop]

mobster: are you wearing a wire

guy in my earpiece: say no

me: they said to tell you no


Her: why are you covered in egg

Me: I got into a fight

Her: did you win?

Me: yes It was over, easy


I asked a girl to kiss me under a mistletoe and she said she wouldn’t kiss me under anesthesia.


Her: I’m leaving you and going to my mothers.

Me: Hold on and I’ll come with you. I like to have a good meal for a change…


Objects in motion tend to resent objects on the couch not in motion.


Does anybody know what date Easter is this year? And if so, what are you, obsessed with Easter


Conversation between Adam and Eve must have been difficult at times because they had nobody to talk about.


No YOU are a drama queen said the fainting goat to the opossum.