@iamspacegirl

ME *sees baby crab in stroller*: He’s so cute! I just wanna rip his lil legs off dip em in butter and eat them!

MOM CRAB *beaming*: thank u

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@jumpdashark

My friend called me from a private number last night so I just returned the favor by knocking on his door with a ski mask on.

@climaxximus

[first day as an undercover cop]

mobster: are you wearing a wire

guy in my earpiece: say no

me: they said to tell you no

@BoogTweets

Her: why are you covered in egg

Me: I got into a fight

Her: did you win?

Me: yes It was over, easy

@Th3BadGuy__

I asked a girl to kiss me under a mistletoe and she said she wouldn’t kiss me under anesthesia.

@djdarrellripley

Her: I’m leaving you and going to my mothers.

Me: Hold on and I’ll come with you. I like to have a good meal for a change…

@AnniemuMary

Objects in motion tend to resent objects on the couch not in motion.

@bridger_w

Does anybody know what date Easter is this year? And if so, what are you, obsessed with Easter

@iGreenMonk

Conversation between Adam and Eve must have been difficult at times because they had nobody to talk about.

@_Water_Baby

No YOU are a drama queen said the fainting goat to the opossum.