@ArfMeasures

Me *sees boy at school* ugh that kid over there is so annoying

Teacher: I agree but you still need to take him home

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@3BlindMike

How early do I need to start thawing the cat for Thanksgiving?

@ericacanrant

You know its my phone if it looks like someone fingerpainted the touch screen in donut glaze.

@ThugRaccoons

Me: And thus concludes homeschool. I’ve literally imparted all of my knowledge to you.

Kid: It’s been an hour.

Me: You’re free to go.

Kid: Like, go play?

Me: Like, move out

Kid: I’m 7.

Me: And what a head start on life you’ll have.

@Willie1derful

You probably need to be having sex prior to claiming you have a safe word.

@TheAlexP

Hey buddy, if you didn’t want me napping in your pet store you shouldn’t have sleeping rooms filled with puppies.

@iamburtjarvis

[starbucks]

me: can i take some wifi home with me?

barista: um. sure(?)

me: [holds tupperware container in the air & closes lid] thanks.

@patnspankme

Are people who say “hard pass” aware of fiber supplements?

@lecalabara

Caught my son running a Google search for “adult entertainment”. I was mortified. We are strictly a Bing family.

@parsfarce

me: thanks for the feedback. Really valuable!!!

coworker: no problem!

[coworker gets text at 3am] who teh fucgk do u thgink u r

@rockymomax

“i have good news & bad news”
wife: bad news 1st
“the washing machine broke”
wife: and the good news?
“the dogs are clean AF”