Me *sees boy at school* ugh that kid over there is so annoying
Teacher: I agree but you still need to take him home
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Show me where it says it’s illegal for me to screaming “I’m an Aardvark” while running in the middle of the road. That’s what I thought
Interviewer: what makes you stand out?
Harry Potter: i’m a Wizard.
Interviewer: *scratching head* everyone here is tho, why are you the best?
Harry Potter: My mom like, REALLY loved me.
Your salary is just your company’s monthly subscription of you
Being married means never admitting you were the last one to see the item that is now lost.
her: why is the cat so sparkly?
me: I think she looks fabulous.
her: WHAT DID YOU PUT IN THE LITTER BOX?
me: you mean the glitter box?
The real monsters are the people who hand you money with the bills not all facing in the same direction.
My whole life is like that 2 seconds before you sneeze
Harmonicas are basically for people who like to hear music while they spit.
Art by Pastelkatto
I wonder if anyone ever looked Jesus in the face and saw a piece of toast.
Why does everyone mention that in space no-one can hear you scream instead of mentioning something positive like how no-one can hear u yodel
[dog wedding]
[Bride throws bouquet into crowd]
[Groom catches it, gives it back to Bride]
[Bride throws bouquet again]
[Groom catches..
“But I can’t conquer China, it’s way too big…”
Now Genghis, what do I always say?
*Sighs*
“I’m Genghis Khan, not Genghis Khan’t”
Wife: cuddle?
Me: ok
Wife: I mean with me
Me: *with my teddy bear* right
Dogs should be allowed to drive.
My GF is such a bad cook. The flies got together to fix the Screen Door.
I don’t care if you’re black or white… old or young… rich or poor… male or female… there comes a moment in everyone’s life when you raise your glass and realize… the damn coaster is still stuck to it…
If GMOs can make hundred pound tomatoes why don’t I have a pet teacup elephant yet?
The real reason the Mayan civilization collapsed is they never updated their Adobe.
These birds at my feeder. None of them have a plan.
[dropping kids off at school]
ME: Ok, learn a lot today
KIDS: But school doesn’t start for another week
ME: *speeding off* GOOD LUCK
For fun, the next time you
have an attractive waitress-Order a “quickie”
then act surprised when she
tells you it’s pronounced “quiche”
*watches wife take out ice cream
*watches wife scoop ice cream into bowl
*watches wife eat ice cream
Me: SO WHATCHA DOIN’
I can’t believe that somebody abandoned this perfectly good clothes rack.
Right now 36-year-old Meghan Markle is celebrating her marriage to a prince.
Right now 36-year-old me is celebrating the fact I found lasagna in the freezer.
Guess we’re both living the dream
How did you get this number..?
– me to my whole family..
My kids are yelling and fighting, again.
I really should have Adopted a Highway instead.
Stay friends with gravity while you can, kids, because one day it will turn on you and make your face look like it’s eating itself.
me [after losing a rap battle]: I should have worn a hat
friend: yeah he really locked in on your side pony
*gets into canoe*
Guide: Ok, everyone grab an oar!
*gets out of canoe*