How early do I need to start thawing the cat for Thanksgiving?
Me *sees boy at school* ugh that kid over there is so annoying
Teacher: I agree but you still need to take him home
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You know its my phone if it looks like someone fingerpainted the touch screen in donut glaze.
Me: And thus concludes homeschool. I’ve literally imparted all of my knowledge to you.
Kid: It’s been an hour.
Me: You’re free to go.
Kid: Like, go play?
Me: Like, move out
Kid: I’m 7.
Me: And what a head start on life you’ll have.
You probably need to be having sex prior to claiming you have a safe word.
Hey buddy, if you didn’t want me napping in your pet store you shouldn’t have sleeping rooms filled with puppies.
me: can i take some wifi home with me?
barista: um. sure(?)
me: [holds tupperware container in the air & closes lid] thanks.
Are people who say “hard pass” aware of fiber supplements?
Caught my son running a Google search for “adult entertainment”. I was mortified. We are strictly a Bing family.
me: thanks for the feedback. Really valuable!!!
coworker: no problem!
[coworker gets text at 3am] who teh fucgk do u thgink u r
“i have good news & bad news”
wife: bad news 1st
“the washing machine broke”
wife: and the good news?
“the dogs are clean AF”