@ArfMeasures

Me *sees boy at school* ugh that kid over there is so annoying

Teacher: I agree but you still need to take him home

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@BillMc7

My neighbor is a micro biologist.
I’ve never seen him.

@50NerdsofGrey

‘I’ve been a very naughty girl!’ she said, licking her lips, ‘I need to be punished . . .’
So he invited his mother to stay for Christmas.

@junejuly12

Your 20s: stop eating bread for 1 day, lose 5 pounds

Your 40s: stop eating for 1 day, gain 5 pounds

@Deno_Tron

I am just a boy, standing in front of a milkshake, wondering by what sorcery it beckoned me to this yard

@OrangeFact

[Date]
ME: I hope you like your wine dry
HER: But of cour- umm that’s just a glass of raisins
ME: *mouth full of raisins* it’s weally dwy

@moooooog35

A bright side to having kids is that if I’m ever trapped in my car I have 3 years worth of half-empty water bottles and goldfish to live on.

@pitbull_wizard

[blind date is waiting nervously at the table]

*I slowly emerge out of my own massive vape cloud and begin walking towards her*

@SvnSxty

Wife: I remember your proposal

Me: Oh yeah?

Wife: It was so romantic

Me: It was?

Wife: You put in so much effort

Me:

Wife: That was Steve?

Me: That was Steve