My neighbor is a micro biologist.
I’ve never seen him.
Me *sees boy at school* ugh that kid over there is so annoying
Teacher: I agree but you still need to take him home
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‘I’ve been a very naughty girl!’ she said, licking her lips, ‘I need to be punished . . .’
So he invited his mother to stay for Christmas.
Your 20s: stop eating bread for 1 day, lose 5 pounds
Your 40s: stop eating for 1 day, gain 5 pounds
I am just a boy, standing in front of a milkshake, wondering by what sorcery it beckoned me to this yard
ME: I hope you like your wine dry
HER: But of cour- umm that’s just a glass of raisins
ME: *mouth full of raisins* it’s weally dwy
Oh Magic 8-Ball, will anyone ever love me?
A bright side to having kids is that if I’m ever trapped in my car I have 3 years worth of half-empty water bottles and goldfish to live on.
[blind date is waiting nervously at the table]
*I slowly emerge out of my own massive vape cloud and begin walking towards her*
Wife: I remember your proposal
Me: Oh yeah?
Wife: It was so romantic
Me: It was?
Wife: You put in so much effort
Wife: That was Steve?
Me: That was Steve