you should always wash your sheets once a week in case they are really ghosts and need a shower
ME: [sees old friend with new wife] Hey congrats on the wedding! Where did you marry?
ME: Oh, sowwy! Where did you mawwy her?
You Might Also Like
If you drop a peanut in a shag rug forget it, let it go.
husband: Just tell me, is there someone else?
me: Of course not, Jim! What makes you think that?
husband: Well for starters, I’m David.
Me: Look. There’s a deer.
Hunter: Don’t spook it.
Me: *slowly stuffing a werewolf mask back into my backpack*
Forgot to make resolutions? Just write out everything you did last night and at the beginning add the word “stop.”
*hurls Scrabble board at you*
[uses your words against you]
me: kids are so stupid. they’ll do anything for chocolate
wife: if you do the laundry, I’ll buy you a snickers
Auto correct changed naughty with nausea and it was the best decision i ever made in this relationship.
I’m great at making pancakes and women uncomfortable.
HER: I love babies.
ME *to waiter*: She’ll have the veal.