ME: [sees old friend with new wife] Hey congrats on the wedding! Where did you marry?

HIM: Maui

ME: Oh, sowwy! Where did you mawwy her?

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you should always wash your sheets once a week in case they are really ghosts and need a shower


husband: Just tell me, is there someone else?

me: Of course not, Jim! What makes you think that?

husband: Well for starters, I’m David.


Me: Look. There’s a deer.
Hunter: Don’t spook it.
Me: *slowly stuffing a werewolf mask back into my backpack*


Forgot to make resolutions? Just write out everything you did last night and at the beginning add the word “stop.”


*hurls Scrabble board at you*

[uses your words against you]


me: kids are so stupid. they’ll do anything for chocolate

wife: if you do the laundry, I’ll buy you a snickers

me: done


Auto correct changed naughty with nausea and it was the best decision i ever made in this relationship.


HER: I love babies.
ME *to waiter*: She’ll have the veal.