@daemonic3

ME: [sees old friend with new wife] Hey congrats on the wedding! Where did you marry?

HIM: Maui

ME: Oh, sowwy! Where did you mawwy her?

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@KimmyMonte

you should always wash your sheets once a week in case they are really ghosts and need a shower

@not_delicate

husband: Just tell me, is there someone else?

me: Of course not, Jim! What makes you think that?

husband: Well for starters, I’m David.

@Quanty_J

Me: Look. There’s a deer.
Hunter: Don’t spook it.
Me: *slowly stuffing a werewolf mask back into my backpack*

@peteholmes

Forgot to make resolutions? Just write out everything you did last night and at the beginning add the word “stop.”

@knot_eye

*hurls Scrabble board at you*

[uses your words against you]

@Jerrypleasure

me: kids are so stupid. they’ll do anything for chocolate

wife: if you do the laundry, I’ll buy you a snickers

me: done

@Sophie2078

Auto correct changed naughty with nausea and it was the best decision i ever made in this relationship.

@JB4Realz

[FIRST DATE]
HER: I love babies.
ME *to waiter*: She’ll have the veal.