me *sees wife’s cheesecake*
future me [sent here to warn me what would happen if I ate it] *knocks on the front door*
me *already eating it*
You Might Also Like
girl at restaurant: “Are you Tony Hawk?” me: “Yes.” her: “Why?” I had no idea how to answer.
real
America: OH MY GOD. Some guy got shot in Ferguson.
World: We’re kinda busy with the 191,000 deaths from the Syrian Civil War
I call bullshit on red wine reducing fat. If there was any truth to that, I’d resemble a crack addict.
Maintaining my stance that groceries are sexist until they start selling grampulated sugar
I thought my friends in their 60s were making love in the other room but they were just putting on their socks
One of my lamps has a light bulb which has outlasted my past 7 relationships.
My dog understands four words: his name, food, outside and Antidisestablishmentarianism.
I am literally the only one at this baby shower who turned up with champagne & a coat hanger.
Twitter should give you 5,000 followers when you start and then you have to try and lose them.
Today’s Generation: “Omg my parents never let me have anything.” via iPhone.
Ever look at your coworker and wonder “how are they still giving you a paycheck”?
Me: Close your eyes. Give me your hand, darling. Can you feel my heart beating? Do you unders…
Dr:(removes stethoscope) Really? Everytime?
Slowly he climbs into
my bed. Our eyes meet,
I can feel his desire.His need for me and only me.
• The cat wants to be fed.
Sorry folks, Twitter’s broken. Moose out front should have told you.
Thoughts and prayers for this lady who tried to make her purse lighter by throwing out a couple of visiting cards.
My black cat just ate my four leaf clover. That can’t be good…….
“But I can’t conquer China, it’s way too big…”
Now Genghis, what do I always say?
*Sighs*
“I’m Genghis Khan, not Genghis Khan’t”
Girl are you a prescription from my doctor ’cause you might be good for me but I can’t read you at all.
We have a fun thing at work where we hide things as a joke. For example, I just hid Nicole’s bowl of candy corn in the dumpster outside.
Every Crock-Pot recipe:
– throw in anything you have left in the house
– cook three to eleven hours.
I used to be sad about the climate apocalypse but i went on a few dates and, honestly, i’m ready now
Exercised.
Burned 94 calories.
Exercise made me hungry.
Ate 940 calories.
Weird how the paranormal investigators always assume the ghosts speak English.
Just think, if Aristotle would have been a cow, today we’d all be studying meadowphysics.
For lunch today, I think I will have a blistering hot bowl of ice cold soup. Thanks microwave.
the next time u see a fork in the road, just try to remeber that at least, no mater wat u did, u werent the person who tried to eat the road
When I die, my only wish is for my corpse to be respectfully catapulted onto a whitewater raft of people going down the Colorado river
Husband: We need to stop spending so much money.
Me: *fluffing the pillows on the dogs’ new paw patrol beds* not sure what you mean by that but okay.
If you don’t swear when you’re driving, you aren’t paying enough attention to the road.