me: [selects “send verification code as text” on a website]
me three seconds later: oh boy a tex mesage
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BRAKING NEWS!!
A spring loaded coffin can really put the fun back in funeral.
It’s important to tell everyone you think Valentine’s Day is just a dumb, made up holiday. As opposed to all of the other holidays, found naturally occurring in the wild.
[Court]
Me *taking the witness stand*
Judge: Hey, put that back!
[at the club]
Me: I got the moves
Her: it’s “runs”
DEMON: [roars] KNEEL, MORTAL—IT IS I, BAELROTH THE SPOON-HIDER
ME: omg what’re u gonna do to me?
DEMON: were—were you not listening just now
Establish dominance over your doctor by asking what drugs he’s taking.
My rings were getting loose so I gained ten pounds.
Me: Honey if you ever murder me please do it in a cool way so we get our own Dateline special
Husband: Deal
I was stopped at a red light when I noticed the car next to me trying to play charades. I didn’t want to play, but I could tell they REALLY wanted me to get it! We all played our best game of charades. Got it before the green light. Turns out my lights weren’t on.
8:00AM *starts peeling an egg*
4:00PM *finishes peeling an egg*
Demonstrated a somersault for my kid and almost died.
My new dentist called me back in to make another mold of my teeth. Needless to say he made a terrible 1st impression.
No, I am not okay. Facebook just showed me something I posted 10 years ago.
[watching any cowboy movie ever] i should buy a horse
[Controversial and unpopular statement]
[walks into interview wearing light up Sketchers]
WALMART INTERVIEWER: whoa I didn’t know corporate was coming
I hate when I’m getting a back rub & he stops 3 mins in & says “my thumbs hurt.” It’s not like I ever say “My jaw hurts.” I finish the job.
At this stage in my life, I’m chasing a fly in the apartment with my pants around my ankles. All of my decisions in life led to this moment.
Wife leaves keys on counter with a helpful note saying “keys” in case I thought they were llamas.
*Adds brown food coloring to hot water*
Me serving decaf
that earthquake in LA was actually a huge crowd of white girls rushing into a wal-mart to buy a green t-shirt last minute
kid that threw a ball into my yard: hey give it back
me: *hugging his dog* no
This is Jetty. He never wants to hear you complain about his barking again. 13/10
[Gives husband a list for groceries]
He brings home 1/2 of what’s on the list and someone else’s kid.
crush: i really like music
me: *gets jealous of music and rips off crushes ears*
No one ever hated their job on a Friday!
friend got a quirky ouija board rug for her house and now i mainly hang out there waiting for the roomba to summon demons and shit.