@juliareinstein

me: [selects “send verification code as text” on a website]
me three seconds later: oh boy a tex mesage

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@rolldiggity

Every Scooby-Doo mystery could be solved by asking, “1: Who is your most disgruntled employee?” and “2: Does he have access to a mask shop?”

@GoodZiIIa

[gets down on one knee]

her: omg

[gets down on two knees]

her: ok…

[gets down on third knee]

her: wtf

@lisaxy424

If you’re offended by anything on my TL, whatever you do, do not look at the rest of the internet.

@

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@DanMentos

judge: I hereby sentence you to 68 years in prison
my lawyer: your honor my client respectfully requests a year be added to his sentence

@LizHackett

No member of any family has the same interpretation of the sentence “We need to leave in ten minutes.”

@fishbowel

Me: what is my final challenge

*dragon appears*

Me: oh no

Dragon: spell necessary

Me: OH NO

@ericsshadow

WOMAN: some people shouldn’t have children

ME: [placing my screaming son in her shopping cart] thank you

@_ElvishPresley_

*tosses incriminating letter into the fireplace*

ME: will someone please light a fire in this fireplace

@MsSkarsgaard

Not to brag but at the last family reunion I didn’t talk to a single person.

No idea whose family it was. Lots of beer though.

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