@juice3wavy

me: *sends friend a message at 2 am*

friend: *responds*

me: woah woah there wtf are you doing up go to sleep this isn’t healthy for u

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@sixfootcandy

How to get out of jury duty: When they read the charges, no matter what they are, yell out
“Oh come on. Even I’ve done THAT!”

@NourHadidi

The only ones awake 3am are the lonely & the loved.

And also the sick who have to take antibiotics & pain killers.

@euphriae

THERES THIS COUPLE ON THE SUBWAY AND THE DUDE IS SO HEATED AND JUST SAID “HAVE YOU EVER SEEN A BABY PIGEON??? NO!! THATS BC THE GOVERMENT CREATED BIRD ROBOTS TO SPY ON US” AND SHE JUST WENT “KEVIN THERE ARE MIDDLE AGE PAINTINGS WITH PIGEONS” AND HE, AGAIN SAID “THE GOVERMENT”

@GuyEndoreKaiser

If you’re feeling down, park in a handicap space and soon a bunch of strangers will tell you that there’s nothing wrong with you!

@Staggfilms

THE KRAKEN: Yes, I’d like to renew my lease, please.

LANDLORD: Re-lease the Kraken!

@mdob11

Horoscope: Slightly fatter than you were yesterday

@TweetPotato314

I want to win a contest where you get a line in a movie. And I want that line to be about the chili dog I’m eating. And I’m going to keep screwing up that line. And they’re going to have to keep bringing me chili dogs.

@dance_blessed

Your love is like Vicodin. You take away my pain but make me sick to stomach afterwards and you’re also white.

@DOGGEAUX

i edited the lyrics of mr brightside using google autocomplete results

@abbycohenwl

Bring an urn speed dating.
Whenever a prospective match asks a question, whisper to urn, “I don’t know, Mom: should I tell him?”