Me: *sends nude of me laying on couch*
Her: When did you get a belly ring?
Me: Oh…no, that’s a Fruit Loop
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genie: hello-
me: i wish for a goth figure skater to get into the olympics and do a routine to welcome to the black parade
Got drunk and did my taxes, i am getting back 1 zillion dollars, 2 slaves, and somehow the state of Rhode Island, this can’t be right.
Me: Shhh, your brother is still sleeping.
4yo: *runs upstairs
CRASH
JUMP
“Wake up!”
SLAM
*runs back downstairs
“No, he’s not.”
”My intentions are not pure” I whisper as I put on yoga pants with no intention of doing yoga.
My autobiography will be a single piece of paper that says ‘Ugh’
wife: Why did you drink all the rum?
me: I lost the cap
That cute little run women do when they’re wearing heels and dresses remind me of that time I almost pooped my pants
Talk to your kids about drugs.
Always stay informed about what drug is cool. You don’t wanna be a nerd parent.
I sprayed a mosquito with mosquito repellent and now he’ll never have any friends.
me: do you have spaghetti?
mcdonalds cashier: …no
me: would you like some?
Always the bridesmaid, never the father of the bride.
The full recap of tonight’s events can be heard on my wife’s podcast, “What kind of idiot doesn’t cover the chili before microwaving it?”
They say the camera adds 10 lbs.
Looks like fast food added the other 40.
Never bring a knife to a gunfight. Bring one of those long grabber sticks so you can take the other guy’s gun away.
As a joke I suggested to my 10yo that he was getting diapers for Christmas so he wouldn’t have to stop gaming even for a moment, and Reader, he hesitated.
me: are we there yet? are we there yet? are we there yet?
cop: if you don’t shut up I’ll turn this car around and none of us are going to jail
I created you as mosquito food.
Pro Tip: If you stand outside a restaurant wearing a red jacket, people will literally just give you their car.
Fence is falling down, house paint is peeling, and deck has a bunch of splinters, so time for me to convince some idiot kid I know karate.
I’ve got 11 lava lamps and every time a girl comes back to my place, she leaves almost immediately. I need more. 14 lava lamps.
Being a brown man is hard but it would really suck if one day I failed a CAPTCHA & found out I was a robot on top of that
We were watching a reality show with really annoying people and I said they made me wanna puke and my husband said he wanted to torch the TV and my 13yo was like “just let them be happy” and I don’t know how we raised a child who doesn’t know how to hate watch something properly.
Everytime someone on my social media says “omg you’re British” I instantly respond with well done want a cookie? 🙄🙄😂
My belly don’t jiggle jiggle, it folds.
Her: It’s disgusting how many dirty habits you have.
Me: THE NUNS PAY ME GOOD MONEY TO DO THIER LAUNDRY OK???
2008: I want a career where I change the world
2012: It’d be great to make decent money doing something I’m proud of
2018: crying in my cube 4x a week is ONLY acceptable if I make enough money to afford tissues
Me: ugh I HATE meeting new people
Midwife: Support his head
Mmm that smells good. Is it mint?
Are you going to eat it? Please eat it.
No…..don’t throw it away! NO!!
[My dog watching me floss]