me, several minutes after lying about being able to fly a hot air balloon: im just gonna go this way
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‘Let’s just agree to disagree.’
-Me, saying grace at the dinner table.
Friend: You know that country song that goes-
Me: No.
Deadpool was Green Lantern
Batman was Daredevil
Captain America was Human Torch
And we’re just gonna walk around like EVERYTHING is OK???
We’re at the top of the food chain, but let’s not be too full of ourselves.
After all, some of us can be felled by a single peanut.
Coronavirus is a middle school friend who’s mad at you for some reason but won’t tell you why “because you should know why” & you’re ignoring it & trying to act cool but everyone can see you’re slope shouldered/sad & this metaphor has gotten away from me LARA TELL ME WHAT I DID.
GOOD COP: He won’t talk except in sign language
BAD COP: I just cut off his left hand
BAD PUN COP: He still has the right to remain silent
Turns out my superpower is the ability to go into incredible detail in completely the wrong direction.
This is Weller. He picked this flower for you. He also may have eaten a few of them. Not this one though. This one was special. 12/10 we are honored Weller
The baby changing station in this Chili’s bathroom is broken
I put the old baby in there and when I opened it back up it was the same one
Welcome to your late 40s. You now have car glasses, office glasses, living room glasses, and bedroom glasses.
Dear parents,
Just because your kid is smiling at their phone doesn’t mean that they have a boyfriend or girlfriend. But it could mean that they just downloaded a demon from an occult website. Talk to your kids about the dangers of summoning demons through their phones.
i just got paid $40 for a 9 second video of me brushing my teeth. i will never do anything for free again.
When it comes to gifts, I’m easy to buy for. I want what every woman wants: a domesticated raccoon that is willing to assist me with petty crimes.
Why is such a large part of early childhood education learning what sounds animals make. That’s never going to come up. It’s not even important if they ever meet those animals. I’ve never said “moo” to a cow and have it go “thank you for learning about my culture”
Murderer: If you correct my grammar once more, I’ll kill you
Me: But I couldn’t stop myself
Murderer: But you could of
Me: oh no
I was feeling really, really stupid today. And then I remembered that there are probably other people out there that also feel really, really stupid. And I felt a little better. Thanks everyone.
I don’t invite ppl in bc that’s how vampire dens come about.
a murderer tries to stab me but im wearing rollerskates and he just kind of pushes me a few feet
[robbing a bank]
Partner: let’s go we’re running out of time
Me: *furiously shoving lollipops in a duffel bag* almost done!
I avoided Walmart like the plague before it was the plague
Me: I love holding your hands
Him, pulling at restraints: does it have to be behind my back
I don’t want to alarm anyone, but my doctor says I have an irreversible terminal condition called aging.
Guess who doesn’t want to hear your kid sing? Everyone. The answer is everyone, so stop it.
The way I see it, you have 2 choices: you can go with the grain, you can go against the grain, or you can go across the grain. 3. You have 3 (three) choices.
I worry a lot about the wild animals in my neighborhood but I’m beginning to think that they don’t worry very much about me.
I hate how commercialized Amazon Prime Day has become.
My friend was complaining that when her husband gets dressed, he does sock, shoe, sock, shoe. What a weirdo! Everyone knows it’s sock, sock, shoe, shoe, pants.
When the the bladder control commercial with the jingle “Gotta go, gotta go, gotta go right now” came on my 5 year old asked “mommy, do these ladies really have to go to the bathroom or do they just think they do” thus becoming the youngest menopause expert in the world.
There are probably fewer bees around now because a lot of them are still in prison for murdering Macaulay Culkin in My Girl
Hi, I’m Ben. You might remember me from such dates as “Hey, your friend is cute.” and “I forgot my wallet at home”.