Him: I just got stung. I’m allergic. Grab me my EpiPen.
Me: Do you know how much those cost? Have a Benadryl.
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If you insist on changing someone, do it without their knowledge….Like by poisoning their food.
I gave birth to two human beings, yet I’m in awe that I’m growing a plant out of a sweet potato.
*makes eye contact with beautiful woman across fancy restaurant*
Waiter, send that woman a glass of your finest Sprite.
I planned to graduate camping school but I failed tent grade.
lawyer: juror number 4 why wouldn’t you be able to serve on this jury?
me: i have ice cream in my car, your excellency
Shouts out to the Trump Tower suction cup guy for being the second craziest person to ascend that building.
Exorcist came by. Says house isn’t possessed, just incredibly poorly built.
Give me a microphone and I will love you love loudly.
Pro tip: when you’re on your way home, don’t answer your phone.
Someone wants you to stop at the store.
presidents day is just a holiday created by “Big President” to get us to buy more presidents
” All I’m saying is if your girl wasn’t thinking about me during sex, why is she always screaming my name?”
-God
[Stranded after plane crash]
ME: We need to choose which one of us to eat firstGUY: But why, pacifically?
ME: Ok I’ve made my choice
“Punch it bro, the lights gray.”
Sometimes I follow ants carrying food to the nest just to see who puts the groceries away.
Waking up with morning wood is one thing, but waking with Elijah Wood is just creepy.
I calmed down once I stared into his beautiful eyes.
My wife:“That’s not the shirt I sent her to daycare in.”
Me:“But it’s the right kid?”
Wife: “Yes.”
Me: “Awesome. I’m going to play Xbox”
I imagine the hardest part of becoming a supervillain is getting your doctorate.
Drying the waistband of my jeans with a hairdryer as God intended.
[stays up all night examining my issues and identifying which descriptors best express my feelings of dysregulation]
the second i get to therapy:
idk I just feel blah
ME: (ordering for my date) What do you recommend for the lady?
HOT DOG VENDOR: Hot dogs.
I wrote to the Bank: “My Cheque was returned with remark ‘Insufficient funds’. I want to know whether it refers to mine or the Bank?”
Egyptians don’t walk like that.
Hot girl in the avatar, but no selfies in your pics.
I’m just gonna call you “bro” from now on.
If you want to set up a company and run it that’s your business.
Nurse – “OK we are gonna start you on the scale”
Me – “You know what maybe I’m not so sick after all, *pulls knife put of leg*
not to be a complainer but if dogs can have treats to clean their teeth why can’t we
90% of your body is water. 6% is delusion. 4% is lies.
what I’m actually doing when I don’t pick up any calls