Someone just snap chatted me this lmao
Me: *shakes bosses hand*
Sorry I’m late to the meeting boss.
Boss: No problem, restroom?
Me: Yes, and we’re out of TP and hand soap again.
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*whispers* hail hydra
*uses your voodoo doll as a tampon*
Wife: Have you seen my razor?
Me: [with only one eyebrow] I have not
Triangle player: *proudly playing his triangle
[Octagon player struts on stage]
Triangle player: “What the-“
My 4 year-old pronounces Cookie Monster as Coke-y Monster and if a 4 year-old could figure it out, then it’s about time we stage an intervention for that furry blue drug addict.
A trailer in a movie theater ended with “November 20th” and a guy loudly said, “thats my birthday” and a random guy said “happy birthday”
Cop: do you know why I pulled u over?
Me: yeah, I was going like 120 back there
Cop: sir, your tailamp is out
[After performing the Dirty Dancing lift at our wedding]
ME: Well that sure impressed them!
WIFE [gasping for breath] You’re getting heavier
God: Come see this.
Angel: What is it?
God: It’s the human lifespan.
Angel: Wow their development is incredible. They start off so small and cute. Then get so strong and smart!
God: Fun right? Watch this.
Angel: Oh my you! What’s wrong with them?
God: I call it, 35.