Every crime show turns into sitcom when the cops bring the husband for questioning and he asks,
“Why would anyone want to kill their wife?”
Me: *shakes bosses hand*
Sorry I’m late to the meeting boss.
Boss: No problem, restroom?
Me: Yes, and we’re out of TP and hand soap again.
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If a cop is at the door when I answer, I yell into the house “Anyone order a stripper?” then say “Sorry, wrong house” & slam the door shut.
Me: What does Winnie sleep in?
10: Dad… no
10: I’ll go straight to sleep if you’ll just stop.
I think this lady I’m stalking just found out. She changed her wifi name to:
“Hey you in the tree. I’ve called the cops.”
Him: I love nerd girls
Me: Cool! Did you know the human body can’t feel water, only a change in temperature?
Him: no. not like that.
You politely tap a jogger with your car one time, and suddenly you get labeled a hero.
The best way to surprise your girlfriend with flowers is by not giving them to her when your wife’s there.
Tune in tomorrow for another secret the Illuminati don’t want you to know.
“Wow, more ABBA. Shocking.”
-anyone on road trips with me
My daughter just described someone as “looking like she was drawn from memory” and I think that’s the best insult I’ve ever heard.
Kids will interrupt your really important conversations to ask questions like, “which door do you think the zombies will come through? The front door or the back door?”