Me: [shaking uncontrollably watching political satire]

Her: are you alright?


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Eric Trump said the Syria strike was swayed by a “heartbroken” Ivanka. He also pouted that dad has never bombed a country for him.


Next time someone is tailgating you on the freeway, throw a handful of change out the window.

Trust me, best 97 cents you will ever spend.


Fun prank: ONLY explain gay marriage to your kids and then watch other people try to explain their weird straight marriages.


If you think ghost peppers are hot, you should’ve ate them when they were alive.


Our daughter ran away from home
once when she was a teenager.

We were frantic.

Within months, we called the police
to report her missing.


When the instructions say so easy a child could do it, I assume you mean one of those genius 12-year-olds who double major at MIT.


The secret to fluffy pancakes is gently folding the souls of people who annoy you into the batter.


A weeping willow tree is just like a regular willow tree only married


Death be not proud. Death not so great with words, but happy to go out with any girl you want fix Death up with.