@hellohappy_time

Me: [shaking uncontrollably watching political satire]

Her: are you alright?

Me: YES THIS IS HOW I RELAX NOW

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@Pappiness

Eric Trump said the Syria strike was swayed by a “heartbroken” Ivanka. He also pouted that dad has never bombed a country for him.

@thatUPSdude

Next time someone is tailgating you on the freeway, throw a handful of change out the window.

Trust me, best 97 cents you will ever spend.

@1followernodad

Fun prank: ONLY explain gay marriage to your kids and then watch other people try to explain their weird straight marriages.

@poutinesmoothie

If you think ghost peppers are hot, you should’ve ate them when they were alive.

@SteveKoehler22

Our daughter ran away from home
once when she was a teenager.

We were frantic.

Within months, we called the police
to report her missing.

@HatfieldAnne

When the instructions say so easy a child could do it, I assume you mean one of those genius 12-year-olds who double major at MIT.

@asaltiercorpse

The secret to fluffy pancakes is gently folding the souls of people who annoy you into the batter.

@ssholeEric

A weeping willow tree is just like a regular willow tree only married

@behindyourback

Death be not proud. Death not so great with words, but happy to go out with any girl you want fix Death up with.