I’m not above army crawling down an aisle at the grocery store to avoid small talk with an acquaintance.
Me: [shaking uncontrollably watching political satire]
Her: are you alright?
Me: YES THIS IS HOW I RELAX NOW
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Wear green for St Patty’s Day! You don’t wanna get punched!
-You mean pinched
[flashback to the 6 people I punched earlier]
Mockingbird: I imitate other birds.
Hummingbird: I make a humming noise. What do you do?
Just told a teen about the music I listened to when I was her age & she said “that’s cool, I love the oldies,” so today I do my first murder
[soldier dying in my arms]
Soldier: tell my wife-
Me: dude I’m already giving messages for 3 guys. Just wait until she dies & tell yourself
Avoid office small talk by maintaining that facial expression between first sneeze and second sneeze.
[used car lot]
Customer: Do you have any mini vans?
Me: No, we sell cars…but there is a kid’s shoe store near the mall
*runs to yard*
*sifts through all the boys*
*puts up more posters for missing son*
me: here comes the tickle monster!!
[gets stabbed 100 times]
“I’ve got chills. They’re multiplying.” “Sir, you’re going into shock. Please stop narrating–” “And I’m losing control.” “Sir!”