@lottie_fly_x

Me sharing with my toddler: ‘here honey have some of my cookie. In fact have it all’

My toddler sharing with me: *hands me one crumb then screams because she wants it back*

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@JustinGuarini

The best part about Facebook is never having to wonder what your acquaintance’s baby is doing all day everyday day.

@danjan13

Good guy in movie shot 3 times: I must save my family

Me, kinda sore from trampoline sesh: sorry gramma can’t make it to your 85th bday

@WilliamAder

We found out today how many people it takes to hold me down for a flu shot.

@crunchenhanced

Has anyone else noticed that since the invention of the smart phone, bathroom stall graffiti was moved to Twitter?

@Skoog

[interrogation room]

me: tell us

criminal: he’ll kill me if i do

me: you’re making my partner very angry

my partner, who is also the lamp from the pixar intro: [shines light brightly]

criminal: i-

me: [holding back lamp as he tries to jump on criminal] shit that set him off

@Karissajem

Husband just asked if I was too drunk to cook dinner. Ha! Does he think I’m some sort of amateur?

*googles how to cover up burnt eyebrows*

@Mom_Overboard

[Texting]

Him: Hey babe, what’re you wearing?

Me: *naked pooping* ummm…nothing

Him: That’s hot

@BooFricketyHoo

Next update: Twitter will tell you what the retweeter is feeling as they retweet your retweet. And what they had for breakfast.

@SoulYodeler

I just watched Bug’s Life and cried the whole time I mowed the lawn.

@OhNoSheTwitnt

Trump: 🎶 Do you wanna build a snowman? 🎶

Elsa: Who will pay for this snowman?

Trump: 🎶 Ok byeee 🎶