The best part about Facebook is never having to wonder what your acquaintance’s baby is doing all day everyday day.
Me sharing with my toddler: ‘here honey have some of my cookie. In fact have it all’
My toddler sharing with me: *hands me one crumb then screams because she wants it back*
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Good guy in movie shot 3 times: I must save my family
Me, kinda sore from trampoline sesh: sorry gramma can’t make it to your 85th bday
We found out today how many people it takes to hold me down for a flu shot.
Has anyone else noticed that since the invention of the smart phone, bathroom stall graffiti was moved to Twitter?
me: tell us
criminal: he’ll kill me if i do
me: you’re making my partner very angry
my partner, who is also the lamp from the pixar intro: [shines light brightly]
me: [holding back lamp as he tries to jump on criminal] shit that set him off
Husband just asked if I was too drunk to cook dinner. Ha! Does he think I’m some sort of amateur?
*googles how to cover up burnt eyebrows*
Him: Hey babe, what’re you wearing?
Me: *naked pooping* ummm…nothing
Him: That’s hot
Next update: Twitter will tell you what the retweeter is feeling as they retweet your retweet. And what they had for breakfast.
I just watched Bug’s Life and cried the whole time I mowed the lawn.
Trump: 🎶 Do you wanna build a snowman? 🎶
Elsa: Who will pay for this snowman?
Trump: 🎶 Ok byeee 🎶