Me sharing with my toddler: ‘here honey have some of my cookie. In fact have it all’

My toddler sharing with me: *hands me one crumb then screams because she wants it back*

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“I’m never gonna do THAT again!”

~ Me, about things I’ll continually do…



So my drug dealer just died. I’m thinking about going to his funeral to, you know, network.


[aliens making first contact]

Alien: here you go guys, now you won’t need to wear glasses


My two levels of drunk are 1) dancing with fat chicks at the club 2) smashing my neighbor’s window thinking I locked myself out of my house.


You know when somebody shows you photos of their new baby and you lie and say they look beautiful?

That’s what people do with your selfies.


Daughter: Why don’t kids at school get my sarcastic humor?

Me: Because they have boring parents, darling.


Two Ways Sharks Can Die:

1. if they stop swimming

2. if they accidentally eat a grenade

if you happen to be a shark, pls keep swimming and try to not eat any grenades. thank you


I wonder if clouds ever look down on us and say “hey, that one over there is shaped like an alcoholic”.


Teaching my first English course this semester has been rewarding but I don’t know what to do with this student


[ Anything I buy from now until Christmas, I consider it a gift… ]

Kids! Close your eyes and hold out your hands!

“Toilet paper?!”