I asked my 3-year-old what kind of cake she wanted for her birthday and she said “two cakes” which is the correct answer.
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Today I was asked why we should bother paying interns if they’re “getting experience for their résumé.”
Here’s what we have say about that:
Steam Forums
I lost a contact at the gym and while I was searching for it people started gathering around and long story short I teach yoga now.
[business negotiation]
Your reasons for rejecting my offer are valid, gentlemen, but perhaps this will…sweeten the deal.
*sets briefcase on table, opens it to reveal it’s full of strawberry Twizzlers*
On the whole, people are getting smarter. I remember when they had to put “The End” on the screen, so people would know the movie was over.
why are they called anti-vaxxers and not the marvelous mrs measles
Santa said I can’t have a pool boy ‘til I get a pool. Foiled again.
Playing Tubular Bells to end the baptism wasn’t quite the closing my aunt was looking for but in my defense it did clear out the church.
Me: I would literally die for my friends, I love them so much
Therapist: but what about you? Do you love yourself enough to d-
Me: oh I would die for myself too
Every machine is a smoke machine if you operate it wrong enough.
Thin eyeliner today.
*left one goes fatter
*right one goes fatter
*left one goes fatter
*right one goes fatter
*covers entire face.
WORKOUT GUY: Climbing stairs after leg day is the worst bro!
ME: My face hurts because I napped too hard on my face.
Sorry I didn’t text you back, my hands are sore from karate chopping loaves of bread in half and feeding them to starving children all day.
Brain, I know you’re trying hard but you are not doing a good job.
My ancestry DNA results came back: 100% German pancake batter
I’m not doubting that you’re 1/8th Pond People, but this is a research paper. You can’t cite “BOG WISDOM”
God: you’re a pack animal.
Wolf: what does that mean?
God: it means you live with other wolves.
Wolf: like all the time?
God: yep!
Wolf: d-do I have to?
God:
Wolf:
God:
Wolf: [slides $20 across table].
God: [pockets money] you’re a lone wolf.
Wolf: yay : )
Unfortunately, my fear of moving stairs is escalating.
[hears one Christmas song] My heart is overflowing with glad tidings
[hears another one] I’ve never been angrier
Are dinosaurs finished evolving into birds yet? Or will they become even birdier?
Why must a movie be “good” ? Is it not enough to sit somewhere dark and see a beautiful face, huge?
3yo: I don’t want a walk
Me: Come on, it’ll be fun braving the elements
[An hour later]
3yo: *Very disappointed* Where are the elephants?
*Puts couch down as emergency contact*
Me: Who drew the picture?
8: I can’t remember her name.
Me: You memorize 200 Pokémon but you don’t remember the kids names in class?
8: 213
Human: what’s up with all the anal probes?
Alien: [shrugs] seems like most of your species keeps their head up there.
me: raises hell
Hell: put me back down!
Sick of people telling me to “calm down” and “release the hostages.”
A guy just offered to buy me a drink. I declined, but heard him say lesbo to his pal. I replied “Only for you, baby”. Now he feels special.
Ghosts are always depicted in Victorian garb which is a pretty singular view of death bc people are dying all the time, like how about a ghost from the 2000s like “being dead is NOT awesomesauce, hey what season of Firefly are they on now?”
Me: *wakes up with a jolt, sweating*
Her: omg are you ok??
Me: BABY SPICE WASN’T A BABY SO THAT MEANS SPORTY PROBABLY WASN’T ATHLETIC AT ALL