@lottie_fly_x

Me sharing with my toddler: ‘here honey have some of my cookie. In fact have it all’

My toddler sharing with me: *hands me one crumb then screams because she wants it back*

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@LoveYoorFate

“I’m never gonna do THAT again!”

~ Me, about things I’ll continually do…

Again

@pmclellan

So my drug dealer just died. I’m thinking about going to his funeral to, you know, network.

@LlamaInaTux

[aliens making first contact]

Alien: here you go guys, now you won’t need to wear glasses

@XLCadillac

My two levels of drunk are 1) dancing with fat chicks at the club 2) smashing my neighbor’s window thinking I locked myself out of my house.

@Token_Geezer

You know when somebody shows you photos of their new baby and you lie and say they look beautiful?

That’s what people do with your selfies.

@TwoSapphiresBlu

Daughter: Why don’t kids at school get my sarcastic humor?

Me: Because they have boring parents, darling.

@suecorvette

Two Ways Sharks Can Die:

1. if they stop swimming

2. if they accidentally eat a grenade

if you happen to be a shark, pls keep swimming and try to not eat any grenades. thank you

@howe007

I wonder if clouds ever look down on us and say “hey, that one over there is shaped like an alcoholic”.

@MrAlexisPereira

Teaching my first English course this semester has been rewarding but I don’t know what to do with this student

@Marlebean

[ Anything I buy from now until Christmas, I consider it a gift… ]

Kids! Close your eyes and hold out your hands!

“Toilet paper?!”