me: SHARK
lifeguard: omg where
me: lol sorry, that’s my dog’s name
*dog appears and drags lifeguard into the ocean*
me: it’s- *over screams* IT’S BECAUSE HE EATS PEOPLE
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Had a big fall out with wife and ended up sleeping in my office for a week. Boss saw I was still there when she left each night and there before her each morning and gave me a promotion. Wife and I sorted things out too, best fight ever.
Boyfriend: I’m home! (looks into garbage can) Hey. Did you eat like five candy bars today?
Me: AM I UNDER INVESTIGATION HERE!?*
*i did
What animal do I respect most? The octopus. I have no idea what to do with my hands most of the time, and I only have two of them.
Chuck E. Cheese is a child casino, good night
Me: Hey, am I too wrinkly?
Daughter: You’re old, that’s going to happen.
Me: I MEANT MY SHIRT.
The thing they don’t explain in 27 Dresses is how Kathryn Heigl affords to be a bridesmaid in 27 weddings on a personal assistant’s salary. Did that company have unlimited PTO??
“Oh, I do like Chinese food!”
-My 6yo, eating chicken fingers & fries from The Imperial Bamboo kid’s menu
I come from a time of excessive Durans.
1-year-old: *shrieks repeatedly*
Me: Why is she so loud?
Wife: That’s how she talks.
Apparently she speaks fluent pterodactyl.
I was craving BBQ for dinner but my wife ordered Chinese. She showed a wonton disregard for my feelings.
Lucius Malfoy: Who on Earth are you?
John Mayer: (holding a sock) Your Dobby is a wonderland.
If candy bars can be called cereal bars to make them sound healthy then why can’t alcohol be called cereal drink?
*Cracks knuckles*
“Time to solve an international conflict with the worst takes you’ve ever seen in your life”
Me: Would you like a sample?
Boss: What are you doing?
Me: Handing out free samples.
Boss: No, you’re supposed to take samples from people, not hand them out!
Me: This is a weird Costco.
Boss: This is a sperm bank and you’re fired.
Is there anything more infuriating than the text you get confirming you’ve unsubscribed from the text chain you just unsubscribed from?
I think it would be great if ice cream licked you back.
“Why don’t traffic cops wear pullovers?” and other questions that I ponder at 3:30 a.m.
imagine being 93 years old and then you’re bit by a vampire and you’re stuck being a 93 year old forever
A haunted house but it’s just rooms full of empty candy wrappers because I forgot to hide the candy.
If a UFO silently mowed my lawn during the night, I wouldn’t say shit.
*his phone rings*
Me: who is she?
Him: huh
Me: who is Potential Spam!?
NASA has no chill
Until zoom life I had no idea how many people dig in their ear.
It’ll be a cold day in hell. Cloudy in purgatory, with a slight chance of rain. And clear skies up in heaven. Now over to Jim with sports.
Welcome to your 40s, the kiddos finally let you sleep in but your bladder won’t allow it.
Shout out to all you people out there who get asked if you’re okay a lot even though that’s the only facial expression you have.
BEARDED DRAGON: So, what do you think?
SMAUG: Get rid of it. You look ridiculous.
That one time (today) I stabbed my eyeball with the stick part of my sunglasses.
It’s true. Parents that use drugs, have kids that use drugs. So, there’s an important lesson here…
Don’t have kids.
When I’m done eating… I have to show my hands to my cat like I’m a blackjack dealer