Me: (shaving my legs)
Cashier: I’m gonna need to ring up that razor and can of whipped cream, please.
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Cardio? Is that in Spain?
Wife: You’re lost.
Me: No. This is exactly where we are suppose to park.
Edgar Allan Poe Because Edgar Allan Got No Job
My boyfriend died after falling into a giant vat of coffee at work
He didn’t suffer, it was instant
The A string on my guit_r is flat
My running form could be described as “drunk woman slowly being chased by no one”
I accidentally stepped on my cat’s tail the other day. You could cut the levels of tension, hurt and mistrust with a knife. I feared for my life. Feline retaliation was nigh. That night she threw up on my bed. Balance was once again achieved.
[about to be murdered]
ME: *whispers into murderer’s ear*
MURDERER: No, I do not want to hold hands.
[trying to unhook a bra]
*kung fu noises*
[Sonic]
Me: … and 17 orders of tater…
Voice from the speaker: Sir, again…that’s not how toys for tots works.
Me: I need a simple, easy hobby to relax and clear my mind
Also me: I will teach myself metalworking techniques from the Middle Ages
You make me want to be a better home and garden.
Cleanliness is next to Godliness because this is a small library.
I am never leaving this website
How many coffees before I stop looking for shirts in my refrigerator
Teens are like the Magic 8ball of humans, they think they have all the answers & you want to shake them because what they said was stupid.
Me: (checks Duolingo to see if there’s a lesson plan to learn the new weird slang my middle school kid uses unironically on a regular basis)
Eat food with the fridge open in front of the other food to establish dominance as well as prepare for the next feeding.
as a british man you have to pick an obsessive hobby before age 31 or WW2 history is selected for you by default
My son glared over his happy meal box at my husband and said sternly, ‘this time no taking taxis please.’
He meant taxes. As in the Dad Fry Tax.
Him: drink?
Me: I have a boyfriend
Him: I have a goldfish
Me: What???
Him: I thought we were talking about shit that don’t matter
I was kicked out of a strip club last night for throwing twenty quid at one of the strippers.
Ok, I admit it was in pound coins.
[i rear-end a guy and he steps out with a baseball bat]
ME: i’m sor-
HIM: *tosses me a glove* wanna play ball until the tow truck arrives?
M: Come to bed…
Her: I have a headache
M: You’re a robot!
H:
M:
H: …SELF DESTRUCT[BOOM]
M: Nice try but you’re still under warranty!
Received an email that my “services are no longer needed effective immediately” & “good luck on your future endeavors”. Frankly I think my wife should have told me in person.
Putting a bunch of small decorative rocks in front of your house is a bold move, but putting one big rock in your yard is a boulder move.
I’m absolutely irreplaceable at my place of employment. As long as they never try replacing me with a block of wood.
*licks excess icing off mixer & spoon*
Wife: Aww, thanks hun!
Me: For what?
W: Doing my dishes!
M: Oh, I didn–
W: …
M: You’re welcome.
It’s all fun and games until you have to decide “who eats the last piece of chicken appetizer” at the office dinner.
I see that your IQ test came back negative.