Me: (shaving my legs)

Cashier: I’m gonna need to ring up that razor and can of whipped cream, please.

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Mark Zuckerberg I know you are a new parent but it’s way more fun to tell children you are giving away their inheritance when they are teens


me: i’d love to go out with u but i am 198,000 bells in debt

bf: ur what

me: that raccoon drives a hard bargain ok

bf: the what

me: nook. he built me a house and pretty much all the residents rely on me and—

bf: wh—

me: —basically what i’m saying is i’m busy


I hate it when I forget to bring my phone in the car and have to read a shampoo bottle while I drive.


Exec: So we’ve done fantastic beasts, what’s next?

JK Rowling: A restaurant guide called fantastic feasts and where to find them?


JK Rowling: A book about bread making called fantastic yeasts and where to find them?

Exec: Is everything ok at home JK?


#HowToAvoidPoliticsAtDinner bring up something less controversial, like religion.


museum guide: america was founded on july 4, 1776
me: [nodding sagely] ah yes so its a Cancer. this explains everythig


I did errands without my phone and it took 6 days, 17 hours and 59 minutes less time.


my superhero friends never let me be the head of our giant robot because I refuse to stop kissing airplanes


E-Cigs. The great taste of water vapor, the cool look of blowing a flashlight.