Me: She loves me, she loves me not, she loves me, she loves me not, she lov-
Wife: CAN YOU JUST PEEL THE SHRIMP PLEASE
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The kids were being so annoying at bedtime last night, I threatened to take them back in time and put them to bed early.
My friend can be so pedantic. I know that saying “Frankenstein” isn’t technically correct, but I can’t remember your baby’s real name.
Who the hell called them deadbeat dads instead of negli-gents?
Just used the holiday card with your kid’s face on it to scoop up a dog turd in the living room.
*buys premium quality kitten food. Serves it in high quality vet recommended cat bowl.*
Cat: Is that dirt on the floor? Nom nom nom!
surgeon: scalpel.
me: careful, it’s sharp! haha
[everyone screams]
me: what? i held my breath for 2 mins during anesthesia to make that joke
CENTAUR: My dad slept with a horse
MINOTAUR: My mum slept with a bull
PIGOTAUR: My dad was Prime Minister.
Starting tomorrow all opinions of mine directly reflect those of my employers.
new career option?
I broke into your house and slept under your bed all night to protect you from the perverts out there.
What is bluesky and is it pronounced like a cloudless day or a Polish last name?
The trick to free lunches is to tell your friend “you get this one, I’ll get the next 1” and then never see them again and make new friends.
Packing my lunch and including two fruits so they have each other to keep company when I don’t eat either of them
date: I like men who aren’t afraid to take risks
me: [to waiter] horse please
My 5 year old was pretending to leave for work, rode his bike to the end of the driveway and back and said he made $100 so my question is what is this job and where can I find one
People to panhandlers: Get a job, you lazy bum
People to ducks: Who has free bread for you? Is it me? Yes, it is
HER: You’ve run over my dog
ME: I’m so sorry
HER: You’re gonna have to replace him
ME: [imagines finally being called a good boy] yes please
[leaving theater]
me (drying my eyes): I hate movies where a dog dies
wife: that was a werewolf
me: but still
It’s amazing to me that blink-182 missed a big opportunity to market their own moisturizing eye drops.
“No. No birthdays, Christmas or modern medicine.. But you sure do make great friends going door-to-door”
*Door slams
– Jehova’s Witnesses
[running away from killer]
KILLER: YOU’RE GONNA TRIP ON YOUR SHOELACES THEN I’LL GET U
ME: MY SHOES ARE VELCRO
KILLER: NOOOOOOOOOOOO
Wife: please stop eating so much salt.
Me: why?
Wife: too much sodium can lead to high blood pressure, heart attack, and stroke.
Me: so you’re saying too much sodium is a salt with a deadly weapon?
Wife: [pours more salt on my food].
[two australians playing chess in a restaurant]
check, mate
*everyone explodes*
Forgive me Father, for I have sinned.
~What is your sin, child?
My husband and I are arguing
~That’s very common.
…about my boyfriend.
You guys, I checked. Wolves can’t blow houses down, even if they are just made of straw and sticks. It’s all anti-wolf propaganda started by Big Pork
Them: dating isn’t hard you just gotta put yourself out there
Me: ok got it
*stuffing my face with donuts* what does the cop banging on my windshield screaming “give me back my donuts” want from me?
I Knew Better, But I Did It Anyway: A Memoir
Me: I’m in such a happy mood right now!
Female reproductive system: Hold my beer
[Walmart customer service]
ME: i want to talk to the manager.
MANAGER: hi sir is there a problem?
ME: no, i just want to talk.