Me: She really needs to calm down.
Alcohol: You should tell her.
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I went to confession and the priest said, “pics or it didn’t happen.”
“That sucked.”
-Elephants who just saw The Peanuts Movie
Def Leppard are a bunch of liars. I poured some sugar on a girl one time and it was a complete mess, she was not happy at all.
[spelling bee]
Your word is ‘mnemonic’
“Can you use it in a sentence?”
Memory Needs Every Method Of Nurturing Its Capacity
I’ve already had 3 people ask if I have enough wine to last me through the hurricane. Beginning to think I may have a reputation.
My son asked if a punch bowl is where you keep the names of people you want to punch.
I usually keep them in my head, but storing them in decorative crystal seems really classy.
[cross-country trip]
me: can you take over for a while, i am going to lie down in the back and take a nap
passenger: sir i’m not licensed to drive a bus
I like my women like I like my coffee, passed through the digestive system of a cat
Her: How pathetic can you be?
Me: Gosh, I don’t know. I haven’t really pushed myself yet.
Me: can I see the dessert menu please?
Waiter: No. Not before you finish your vegetables.~family owned restaurants.
I’m not a professional actor, but I have successfully pretended to care how coworkers’ weekends were for decades.
Kid just asked “why is it called ‘flipping the bird’? Why not turtle? Flipping the Turtle.” I can’t even answer that bc WHY NOT TURTLE?!
Sorry, but your kids don’t look adorable when they lose their teeth, they look like tiny homeless people.
I taught my 1yo how to turn on my mother-in-law’s dishwasher since she only uses it for storage.
A lady on NextDoor just asked for a pet psychic that could really blow her mind and honestly, stay gold NextDoor.
*me as a police sketch artist
*turns Etch-o-Sketch aroundAre these the stairs that guy dragged you down?
{First Day at FedEx}
me: tosses crystal vase onto wrong porch from 30 ft away
manager: wow you’re a natural
Me: *practicing selfie poses in the gym mirror*
Trainer: Ma’am, are you having a stroke?
Remember when double entry was an accounting term?
I’m never quite sure when to lean in for a kiss after a job interview.
Why is it called “getting your car fixed” and not “autocorrect”
My milkshake brings all the boys to the graveyard and they’re like AAAAHHHHHHHHHHHHHH
Quitting the gym because it’s easier, quicker and cheaper to simply invite my friends over for dinner every day and make them fatter than me
If there’s cake in the fridge, the fridge becomes a medicine cabinet.
I don’t make the rules.
BOSS: There’s limited parking at the event so we are going to carpool
ME (pulling a pair of floaties out of my desk drawer): oh hell yeah
“delete your account” and what, leave my children NOTHING
Umbrage is like regular brage, but um…
[date]
Her: “Well, the horoscopes pretty much govern my life, I’m a sagittarius, what are you?”
Me: *halfway out the door* “Educated.”
[gym]
Him: Are you using that machine?
Me: *locked in a passionate embrace with the squat rack* it’s CLEARLY mutual