Me: Shhh, your brother is still sleeping.
4yo: *runs upstairs
“Wake up!”
*runs back downstairs
“No, he’s not.”

You Might Also Like


[Spelling bee]

Your word is Monogamous.


*2 Judges stare at each other*

1st judge *nods*
2nd judge: “We’ll allow it”


Every time I hear a mean joke about being Canadian, I go right to the hospital and get my feelings checked for free.



*2 hours later has organised a small festival*

Dammit Judith, these are my party planning glasses!


Me: We should set up a play date
Hot dad at park: You have a kid?
Me: No, I said WE should


“If anyone has any reason Kim & Kanye should not be married, speak now or forever hold your peace.” -Taylor Swift’s moment of revenge


Every chef on Chopped’s like “I was medically dead for 3 yrs & my wife married the guy who pushed me off that bridge. My specialty is bao.”


Me: I’m drunk
Carpenter: i’m hammered
Dry Wall Guy: i’m plastered
Garbage Man: i’m trashed
Beekeeper: i’m buzzed
Accountant: i’m totaled
Quarterback: i’m blitzed
Scuba Diver: i’m tanked
English Professor: i’m lit
Plumber: i’m shitfaced
Hulk: i’m smashed
Youth: i’m wasted


ME: omg I love your accent! Say that again!

MY AUSTRALIAN WIFE: You’re shallow and selfish. I’m leaving you and taking the kids.


National product once got caught picking his nose and eating it thus forever being known as gross national product.