Your word is Monogamous.
*2 Judges stare at each other*
1st judge *nods*
2nd judge: “We’ll allow it”
Me: Shhh, your brother is still sleeping.
4yo: *runs upstairs
*runs back downstairs
“No, he’s not.”
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Every time I hear a mean joke about being Canadian, I go right to the hospital and get my feelings checked for free.
JUDITH! FETCH MY EVIL PLAN GLASSES!
*2 hours later has organised a small festival*
Dammit Judith, these are my party planning glasses!
Me: We should set up a play date
Hot dad at park: You have a kid?
Me: No, I said WE should
“If anyone has any reason Kim & Kanye should not be married, speak now or forever hold your peace.” -Taylor Swift’s moment of revenge
Every chef on Chopped’s like “I was medically dead for 3 yrs & my wife married the guy who pushed me off that bridge. My specialty is bao.”
Chivalry is just the study of green onions right?
Me: I’m drunk
Carpenter: i’m hammered
Dry Wall Guy: i’m plastered
Garbage Man: i’m trashed
Beekeeper: i’m buzzed
Accountant: i’m totaled
Quarterback: i’m blitzed
Scuba Diver: i’m tanked
English Professor: i’m lit
Plumber: i’m shitfaced
Hulk: i’m smashed
Youth: i’m wasted
ME: omg I love your accent! Say that again!
MY AUSTRALIAN WIFE: You’re shallow and selfish. I’m leaving you and taking the kids.
National product once got caught picking his nose and eating it thus forever being known as gross national product.