Me: Shhh, your brother is still sleeping.
4yo: *runs upstairs
CRASH
JUMP
“Wake up!”
SLAM
*runs back downstairs
“No, he’s not.”
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Wait for it
Toddler: My feet are cold, do you have any feet warm stuff?
Me: Yes, socks
Toddler: No!!
[gates of Valhalla]
ODIN: did you die in battle?
[flashback to me suffocating in a children’s ninja turtle costume]
ME: ya
Me: lol this guy is drunk after only two beers.
Wife: stop giving our toddler beer.
Stop staring lady, I was meowing at your cat.
If my name was Pooh I wouldn’t wear pants either
I’m amazed they make so many cars without turn signals. Seems like that would be a requirement on a vehicle.
Jesus, don’t take the wheel. Give me your keys. Sober up.
*hands cup of water*
DON’T TURN THAT INTO WINE AGAIN
In 2009, Nigerian police arrested a goat on suspicion of attempted armed robbery.
my chupacabra don’t
my chupacabra don’t
my chupacabra don’t want none unless you got goats, hon
Paper cut-outs of coins don’t work in parking meters in case you were thinking of trying this out on your own.
You don’t have to seduce me with restraining orders and joyrides on the hood of your car, you had me at. “No, I was waving at my friend.”
10yo: (screaming) MOM, COME HERE RIGHT NOW!!
Me: Okay, Okay!
*steps on lego*
*stubs toe on fallen over chair*
*falls over laundry basket*
*slip-and-slides across spilt water*
*arrives at 10yo*
10yo: Never mind. I figured it out.
Cop: Do you know why I pulled you over?
Me: Hello! I’m really high sorry about my driving. I’m ready to order now.
All mushrooms are edible. Some only once.
the original name for the ps5 was pspspspsps but it kept attracting cats
I got soap in my shower beer again.
My husband talked me into cutting his hair and he thinks I did an amazing job.
Apparently it hasn’t occurred to him to take a look at the back.
Brunos are from Mars, Freddies are from Mercury.
There’s nothing quite like a stale, tired format tweet in the wrong hands.
Hands: Hold my beer.
I tried to forgive and forget but I forgot who I forgave.
Next time someone leaves an empty shampoo bottle in the shower, I’m filling it with pancake syrup.
Friendly reminder that Noah brought two bedbugs on the ark and is in no way a hero
When I unsubscribe from an e-mail list, and they have one of those annoying surveys asking for a reason why I unsubscribed, I click “Other” and write “I used to make sweet love to your CEO and these e-mails are a painful reminder of our time together.”
That awkward moment when both your knees are bruised, but all you did was gardening..
dentist: when did you last floss?
me: just last week
dentist: you know i went to school for this, right? i can see that’s not true
me: sorry, i meant yesterday
dentist: what?
me: i mean i’m flossing right now
dentist:
me: ow my gums, they hurt exactly the normal amount
Peppa pig = spicy bacon
I told my daughter she had to donate two toys to the community toy drive and she picked two of her sister’s toys to give away so I’m pretty sure she’s gonna be a CEO someday.
date: So what do you do?
me: *pulls out stuffed fox* I’m a taxidermist
date: Oh wow
fox: and a ventriloquist