Me: *shoots gun*
Cop: you’re under arrest for murdering a gun
You Might Also Like
🤣dope
I like to mute CNN and imagine they’re arguing about what appetizer, or appetizers, to order at TGIFridays.
Can someone call my keys? I forgot where I put them
“Umm, what are you doing? Can you not? Seriously, get off me!”
– The first horse ever ridden (probably)
I thought I was getting myself a new couch but apparently I was getting my dog a new bed
[training the new person at work]
Them: so you do this everyday?
Me, hiding in the toilet for the 6th time: yes
Always amazed when I see people slip guns into the back of their pants. How is that comfortable? How do you not get a weapon wedgie?
I need to delete some of my fake dating profiles. It’s gotten so confusing I just met myself at Starbucks.
i’m gonna make some couscous with garlic and olive oil. that’s right. couscous. the food so nice they named it twice
They say “Liar, Liar, Pants on Fire” but what happens if you tell a lie with no pants on?
[emerging from my time machine during the Byzantine-Arab War]
ME: Excuse me, what year is it?
MAN: It’s 830.
ME: [whispering] sorry to wake you, dude. what year is it?
A new survey shows that 37% of people would let a bird poop on them for good luck. Which makes more sense than the other 63%, who are just in it for the experience.
A priest, a minster, and a rabbit walk into a bar. The rabbit says, “I think I’m a typo.”
Lightly used fish tank for sale on eBay.
Does not contain three goldfish ghosts.
*pulls out stack of pancakes and completely stuffs mouth during interview*
Nexft queffstun pleeazse
“Umm. Your biggest weakness?”
Panfccakes
A hooker once showed me her dollar menu. Her meat actually did resemble McDonald’s.
WIFE: He keeps pretending he’s a pilot.
THERAPIST: Is that true?
ME: *intercom noises* Prepare for the turbulence coming from Karen’s lies.
Excited for the return of Game of Thrones.
Not excited for the return of the phrase, “If you’d read the books, you’d know that…”
*at a party*
peter: jesus keeps double dipping his chips. should we say something?
paul: we all saw him walk on water the other day. he brought a guy back from the dead last week. he seems to be in command of some pretty scary powers but, sure, go tell him to stop double dipping.
Me: That tree is impeckable
“Don’t you mean impeccable?”
*cut to woodpecker with a broken beak*
Me: No. Also how did you pick up on that?
Me: What kind of eggs do you want for breakfast? Scrambled? Fried?
4 Year Old: Chocolate
Me: You really are my child.
luke: *tips hat* waterwalker
jesus: *tips hat* skywalker
“I’d like one personal pizza please”
Pizza: Your life’s a mess. You should lose 10 pounds. Call your mother.
“Whoa maybe not that personal”
President, first day on the job: *pushing a button* Janet can you-
[two nuclear missiles launch towards Moscow]
That wasn’t the intercom.
Thinking about this 37 year old baby from a flight safety brochure
Computer: Hey can I restart for updates?
Me: No, I’m busy.
Computer: Hey it’s tomorrow can I restart for updates?
Me: No
(A week of this later)
Computer: Hey can I restart for updates?
Me: FINE JUST RESTART HURRY UP
Computer: Haha jk I haven’t downloaded them yet 😀
Ghost: they can’t kill us
Wife: that’s what u said last time
Her: Oh, a handsome man like you must be used to compliments.
Me: Yes, but do go on…
My son just asked me if I could take a picture of him while he sleeps so he could see the little z’s that come out of your nose when you sleep.
My boss: hey you got a sec?
Me: I have all the secs
Boss: what?
Me: what?