Me: *shoots gun*
Cop: you’re under arrest for murdering a gun
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Smoking will kill you. Bacon is bad for you.
But smoking bacon will cure it.
Some hipsters were camping next to me and asked for help starting a fire.
So, I chased one around until his corduroys burst into flames.
Ever realize the only thing stopping you from a life of crime is a good night’s sleep? Anyway, I slept well.
[on a movie date]
me: wanna kiss
date: no thanks
me: *turning to the other person next to me* what about u
> what do you want to be when you grow up?
[7 year old me watching Jurassic Park] a UNIX hacker!
*fast forward 28 years*
> So you’re still fixing printers then?
Losing weight to be attractive is weird. I see you shrunk your body slightly. Now I want you.
“I’ll never forget you!” I yelled to what’s his name.
I never over sleep in the mornings
I set an alarm, a back up alarm, and a 4yo once those fail
[blood starts oozing from the ceiling] Oh my god no someone left the blood tap on
Read someone say, “just had a Starbucks lemon water with sugar Yumm!”
I never claimed to have an IQ higher than the temperature inside a refrigerator but I believe that’s called lemonade..
“How old are you?”
Things you say to your third child.
A little sign under the doorbell that says, “think twice, adventurer.”
One of the more important commas I’ve seen in a long time…
I’m so happy that I got rid of my $250 cable so I can spend $500 on streaming services.
*tries CBD oil for the first time*
“OMG OMG I FEEL IT, I THINK I’M HIGH! I’M TOTALLY HIGH”
“Ma’am, there are little to no narcotics in that”
“So you’re saying there’s a chance”
If I storm out of a room, there’s a 50% chance I’ll trip over something on my way out.
I used to laugh at my neighbour for getting the gender of his dog wrong for years until my cat laid an egg and now I suspect it’s a penguin.
Women who always hustle to clean the house before the maid service arrives..
What the hell is wrong with you?!
going to the doctor for the first time since becoming a doctor, can’t wait to say “ah yes i concur with your diagnosis”
Edward Scissorhands: You told me to put my hands up
Me: I said I was sorry
Other rollercoaster riders: *covered in chunks of duck*
“Damn! If I wasn’t already married, I’d propose to myself,”
I humbly say as I taste test this homemade mac and cheese.
Me: I want a serious long term relationship
Literally anyone: Hey I’m interested in you!
Me: *shivers* better hide in bed for 6 months.
Responding to a question from your wife with interpretive dance tends to raise more questions than it answers.
obliviously driving m y car through chernobyl , absorbing lethal anmounts of radiation while looking for cute girls
Barney: I love you, you love me
Me: *rolling over in bed* look I thought this was a no strings thing
There are two kinds of people in this world, people that know things and people who don’t know how to use Google.
My sleeping pills say don’t mix with alcohol, but drop it in the glass and it dissolves just fine. Doctors think they know everything.
Flat-Earthers play basketball with a frisbee.
*throws nickel at grandpa*
I need more magic ear money.