[holding baby] haha oh whoa i thought he’d be slimey but he’s really dry
Me: Shot through the heart
911: What is your location?
Me: And you’re to blame
Me: You give love a bad name
911: I’m hanging up
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You think your day was bad? I just had a 15 minute long argument with a couch cushion.
If my mobile provider started charging 3 times as much as their nearest competitor but there was no voicemail, I’d still stay with them.
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“My eyes are up here” ~ The last words heard by any guy who checked Medusa out.
My husband is in the other room explaining to the cat that even tho we are going to bed early, he (the cat) is welcome to stay up
Boss: You’ve been late for work every single day this year.
Me: *high five
HER: *spitting out food* This is GROSS! What did you put in this?
ME: Old Spice. Just like you said to.
HER: I said ALL spice, you idiot!