@HysteriaBarbie

Me: Shot through the heart
911: What is your location?
Me: And you’re to blame
911: Pardon?
Me: You give love a bad name
911: I’m hanging up

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@VeggieMonger

My mother said that I looked “cheap” with my bra showing underneath my clothes – so I took my bra off.

@AaronFullerton

OK, if you get to refer to your favorite football team as “we,” then I definitely get to refer to the cast of Friends as “we.”

@KentWGraham

I used to love pretending I was Captain America and flinging a garbage can lid at kids in the neighborhood. But then my wife made me stop.

@LostFelicia

I took my dad to the gym with me today. The man clocks a mile on the treadmill before I could hit the Start button.
I’m not taking him with me again.

@hermanntrude

Baker: this new dough tastes burned and feels like twigs

Friend: tie it in a knot and cover it in salt. It’ll be PERFECT

@Chumpstring

Never bring a knife to a gunfight. Bring one of those long grabber sticks so you can take the other guy’s gun away.

@T_Bonezzz_

“Treat Others the Way You Want to be Treated”

*Buys everyone snacks

@PinkCamoTO

I miss the 80s, when you could hide an alien in your room for 3 days before mom found out and five kids on bikes could outsmart the police.

@uncle_fescue

Seriously how much of Krypton fell to earth and how do bad guys keep finding it? You’re Superman, handle your shit. This ain’t a game, dawg.

@better_off_dad2

14: ‘What’s an inheritance?’

Me: ‘Nothing you need to worry about, really.’