My mother said that I looked “cheap” with my bra showing underneath my clothes – so I took my bra off.
Me: Shot through the heart
911: What is your location?
Me: And you’re to blame
Me: You give love a bad name
911: I’m hanging up
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OK, if you get to refer to your favorite football team as “we,” then I definitely get to refer to the cast of Friends as “we.”
I used to love pretending I was Captain America and flinging a garbage can lid at kids in the neighborhood. But then my wife made me stop.
I took my dad to the gym with me today. The man clocks a mile on the treadmill before I could hit the Start button.
I’m not taking him with me again.
Baker: this new dough tastes burned and feels like twigs
Friend: tie it in a knot and cover it in salt. It’ll be PERFECT
Never bring a knife to a gunfight. Bring one of those long grabber sticks so you can take the other guy’s gun away.
“Treat Others the Way You Want to be Treated”
*Buys everyone snacks
I miss the 80s, when you could hide an alien in your room for 3 days before mom found out and five kids on bikes could outsmart the police.
Seriously how much of Krypton fell to earth and how do bad guys keep finding it? You’re Superman, handle your shit. This ain’t a game, dawg.
14: ‘What’s an inheritance?’
Me: ‘Nothing you need to worry about, really.’