@HysteriaBarbie

Me: Shot through the heart
911: What is your location?
Me: And you’re to blame
911: Pardon?
Me: You give love a bad name
911: I’m hanging up

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@shutupmikeginn

[holding baby] haha oh whoa i thought he’d be slimey but he’s really dry

@elle91

My body is a wonderland, but like, the “Alice In” type. Everything is the wrong size. Tons of tea in there. Cats everywhere.

@JermHimselfish

You think your day was bad? I just had a 15 minute long argument with a couch cushion.

@garrydavenport

If my mobile provider started charging 3 times as much as their nearest competitor but there was no voicemail, I’d still stay with them.

@PFitzpa

Swarming gnats, but instead of annoying you, they provide compliments. “You look pretty.” “Dinner was delicious.” “Way to handle that difficult coworker, Chris. We hate her.”

@neerjagurnani

“My eyes are up here” ~ The last words heard by any guy who checked Medusa out.

@NikkiReimer

My husband is in the other room explaining to the cat that even tho we are going to bed early, he (the cat) is welcome to stay up

@_steamy_mac

Boss: You’ve been late for work every single day this year.
Me: *high five

@Woody_B_

HER: *spitting out food* This is GROSS! What did you put in this?

ME: Old Spice. Just like you said to.

HER: I said ALL spice, you idiot!