Me: Should I be concerned that this tomato was genetically modified?
Tomato: No.
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[Independence Day – 2017]
ALIEN {auto-translated}: We. are. taking. over. the. leadership. of. your. country. Do. not. r—
WILL SMITH: Fine
How does Darth Vader like his steaks? Done done done done da done done da done.
Please don’t block me.
knocked on my neighbors door to complain about his hammering and discovered he was hosting a Thor fancy dress party
I have a friend who doesn’t drink coffee, so to stay alert at work he gets a healthy amount of sleep each night. What a loser
WIFE: I want a new baby monitor for Christmas
ME: k
[Christmas morning]
WIFE: um
PRESENT UNDER TREE: *hisses and rustles*
ME: you should open that one first
[donating blood]
Nurse: you’re looking faint. Can I get you a drink?
Me: no thanks, I’ve just had like 60 of those strawberry Capri Suns
The Book. The Movie.
In an alternate universe the hard way is always learning me
me: i’ll have the mouse for dessert
waiter: that’s mousse, sir
me: hmm, that’ll be too much
No one is more hated than those two people who start a standing ovation.
If I had a dollar for every time someone got me to try a beer by saying it didn’t taste like beer, I’d call it my I͟T͟ D͟O͟E͟S͟ T͟O͟O͟ T͟A͟S͟T͟E͟ L͟I͟K͟E͟ B͟E͟E͟R͟͟ money.
I can’t afford a vehicle with wing doors, so I buy the Tupperware with lids which open that way.
“Of course the water feels harder at higher speeds. The molecules have to separate.”
[You wish the chemist to whom you are married watched the Olympic diving trials just for the pretty girls. But when do you ever get what you want?]
[Supermarket]
Me: QUICK, WHERE IS YOUR FROZEN SECTION
Assistant: Aisle 7
Me: GREAT [opens trench coat and 6 penguins fall out] let’s go guys
A group of toddlers is called a migraine
If you wear your old prom dress to the pharmacy, they’ll fill your antidepressants faster.
people are doing cold plunges and i’m like, when i take a bath the water is so hot you could boil pasta in it.
I unironically love this joke.
In my spare time I enjoy going to the theatre, listening to music, and cooking Indian food, although everyone watching the play never seems very impressed.
I’m the opposite of clingy, I’m spacious.
[Crossword]
7 across) Person you work with, 9 letters
COWORKER
21 down) Person you hate, 9 letters
COWORKER
Who gets the job of writing the fortunes in the cookies?
I want that job. I could really screw with some people.
I think my neighbor just noticed that I was wearing a pair of shoes he put into his trash last week.
Sure, you women *say* you don’t need men anymore. But just wait until we start packaging tampons in tightly sealed jars.
if somone acidentaly walks in while ur in the bathroom, do not react at all. this avoids embarasment & makes them wonder if they are a ghost
Before countdowns were invented:
*6:30 at Chili’s*
Scientist One: Oh shit did anybody fire that rocket?
Just cleaned out my purse if anyone needs 17 pens or a tooth.
7: Can I have a play date with Sally? She’s fun.
Me: Sure, but you know Mommy is the only girlfriend you can ever have, right?
Husband, walking by: Yeah, he’ll end up normal.
How dare you call me mentally unstable, on this, the day of my cat’s quinceanera.
I am not lying, autocorrect just tried to change “first” to Furstenberg like wtf when I have ever texted Furstenberg?!?