@iwearaonesie

me: Should I pack condoms?
wife*laughs*
me*driving*
wife*still laughing*
me*checks into the hotel*
wife*calls friend so they can both laugh*

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@Jesssicle

Family dinner. I was halfway through my 2nd egg roll before I realized everyone else at the table had been praying for the last 7 minutes.

@Darylch

Lots of hockey tweets, sadly I’m from Alabama where a bunch of white guys chasing something black with sticks has a whole different meaning.

@MooseAllain

My wife’s written “iron school uniform” on a note. She’s full of bright ideas, but to me this sounds heavy and impractical.

@TheCiscoKidder

My wife never catches me scoping out the hot chick because she’s too busy judging the hot chick.

@Mr_Kapowski

Cop: There was no else going anywhere nearly as fast as you!

Me: I know. I was winning.

@XplodingUnicorn

7-year-old: I don’t want mashed potatoes.

Me: They’re just like French fries.

7: Then give me French fries.

There’s a flaw in her logic, but I can’t find it.

@PoliceBadBoy

Looking for someone to do the heavy lifting when I need a body buried…

~ No weirdos