Family dinner. I was halfway through my 2nd egg roll before I realized everyone else at the table had been praying for the last 7 minutes.
me: Should I pack condoms?
me*checks into the hotel*
wife*calls friend so they can both laugh*
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I can’t stop thinking about this shirt
Lots of hockey tweets, sadly I’m from Alabama where a bunch of white guys chasing something black with sticks has a whole different meaning.
My wife’s written “iron school uniform” on a note. She’s full of bright ideas, but to me this sounds heavy and impractical.
Always trust your dog’s first impression of someone.
My wife never catches me scoping out the hot chick because she’s too busy judging the hot chick.
Cop: There was no else going anywhere nearly as fast as you!
Me: I know. I was winning.
Amazon Prime would be a good title for a Wonder Woman movie.
7-year-old: I don’t want mashed potatoes.
Me: They’re just like French fries.
7: Then give me French fries.
There’s a flaw in her logic, but I can’t find it.
Looking for someone to do the heavy lifting when I need a body buried…
~ No weirdos