ME: Should I sneeze into my hand?

DOCTOR: No, sneeze into your elbow

ME: Can I shake hands with people?

DOCTOR: No, bump elbows with them

ME: …


ME: …

DOCTOR: Let me get back to you on that last one

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If I ever find someone I love as much as pizza…

…I will kill them. Nobody comes between me and pizza.


I hate it when I’m digging my own grave at gunpoint and I discover buried treasure.


Me: If Captain America and The Hulk got married they could name their kid Star-Spangled Banner

Therapist: we should start meeting twice a day


Me: What fresh hell is this?

Satan: *turns to camera, winks* Thanks, Febreze!


Teaching 19 to cook, clean, and do laundry so if he ever gets married his wife won’t divorce him and make him my responsibility again.


When I was a kid ‘friends with benefits’ meant that kid had a nintendo.


A good lawyer knows the law. A great lawyer knows the Judge.


[stops during sex]

If you spin my fanny pack around, there’s sandwiches in there. Help yourself.