Salads don’t kill people. People who eat salads kill people.
ME: Should I sneeze into my hand?
DOCTOR: No, sneeze into your elbow
ME: Can I shake hands with people?
DOCTOR: No, bump elbows with them
DOCTOR: Let me get back to you on that last one
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If I ever find someone I love as much as pizza…
…I will kill them. Nobody comes between me and pizza.
I hate it when I’m digging my own grave at gunpoint and I discover buried treasure.
Me: If Captain America and The Hulk got married they could name their kid Star-Spangled Banner
Therapist: we should start meeting twice a day
Me: What fresh hell is this?
Satan: *turns to camera, winks* Thanks, Febreze!
Teaching 19 to cook, clean, and do laundry so if he ever gets married his wife won’t divorce him and make him my responsibility again.
When I was a kid ‘friends with benefits’ meant that kid had a nintendo.
How come Satan always seems to know exactly what I like?
A good lawyer knows the law. A great lawyer knows the Judge.
[stops during sex]
If you spin my fanny pack around, there’s sandwiches in there. Help yourself.