ME: Should I sneeze into my hand?
DOCTOR: No, sneeze into your elbow
ME: Can I shake hands with people?
DOCTOR: No, bump elbows with them
ME: …
DOCTOR: …
ME: …
DOCTOR: Let me get back to you on that last one
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the real reason howl kept his castle moving was tax evasion
No one:
Absolutely no one:
Guy in a Vulcan costume: [loudly, smugly] I wonder if anyone will recognize MY costume
Me: Hi, my name is Ursula and I’ll be your Uber driver.
Patron: Um, why are you wearing a clown mask?
Me: We’ll be making one quick stop.
LUMINEERS: we have a new song
PRODUCER: what’s it about?
L: deforestation and the loss of natural resources
P: what’s it called?
L: Susan
Chestnut implies the existence of legnut, armnut, necknut and the much anticipated buttnut.
If a bear confronts you in the woods, make it go away by handing it a flyer for your boyfriend’s band’s show.
If a boy mentions a sport to me I use the opportunity to impress him with my sports knowledge.
For example:
Boy: I’m playing softball with the guys.
Me: Softball is a sport.
Pro Tip : Give the person interviewing you “something to remember” doesn’t means giving them a bite mark.
Me: What are we doing for Valentine’s Day?
My Husband: Raising three kids
I dont have a “college fund” bc my youngest will most likely get a scholarship and my oldest thinks all dogs are boys and all cats are girls
Couldn’t of?! COULDN’T OF?? Oh really? You could not of? Interesting.
my kids just finished a game of monopoly without fighting. they’re playing it wrong.
You hear the words “gamer girl bath water” and suddenly you all know what a bath is
I took a girl back to my flat.
“You haven’t removed many bras have you?” she sighed.
“What gave it away?”
“The scissors, mainly.”
I just broke a mirror disco ball, I’m not looking forward to my 5,600 years of bad luck
I’ve accidentally called someone on IG messenger before and my reaction was the same as if I had just been caught shoplifting.
professor x: what’s your superpower?
me: solving equations
professor 3: wow
I’m following around cop cars all day to let them know how it feels.
today my sister said “I thought of you because I saw the stupidest tweet. just the dumbest freaking tweet” this went on for ten minutes
[restaurant]
waiter: how would you like your steak
me: i don’t know, medium?
medium: *gazes into crystal ball* you will like it a lot
them: you look just like a friend of mine
me: she sounds really pretty
And then he tweeted…..
“SEE YOU IN COURT”
After just LOSING IN COURT‼️
Satan: What’s that?
God: Babies. I made them the sweetest creatures in the universe.
Satan: I see. *invents screaming*
God: lol good one!
Monster under the bed: Look, I was going to scare you but this is sad. You’ve been in bed for 15 hours.
Me: I’ll go to the restroom after the next episode is over.
Monster: You said that last episode, I just want to go see my kids.
Get pissed all you want but if we brought a screaming baby into your workplace you would ask us to leave it outside too.
Doctors say eating a piece of Bacon takes 9 mins off your life…if my math is correct i died in 1781
If you don’t open your mouth while putting on mascara, you die.
Sometimes I’ll show my husband the chewed up food in my mouth just so he’s reminded of the delicacy and beauty of the flower he chose.
Fries should be offered more often like yes your mortgage is approved would you like fries with that?
5: if you take a shortcut in a food maze, it’s not cheating it’s eating