Mom, can I have another piece of pecan pie?
“You mean MAY, not CAN”
Ok, mom can I have another piece of pemay pie?
ME: Should I sneeze into my hand?
DOCTOR: No, sneeze into your elbow
ME: Can I shake hands with people?
DOCTOR: No, bump elbows with them
DOCTOR: Let me get back to you on that last one
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I hate when I wake up at night, look at the clock and go right back to sleep. Essentially my body is just waking me up to do math.
Anyone know a Minecraft interpreter? I don’t understand my son’s Christmas list.
Staying at my daughter’s place again this weekend. Can’t wait till 3am so I can wake her to tell her there’s a moth in my room.
God: you’re a garter snake.
Garter Snake: I’m a snek?
God: no you’re a snake.
Garter Snake: I’m a snek!
God: [sigh] fine you’re a small snek.
Garter Snake: I’m a smol snek?
Tip for drowning your enemies:
Paint pictures of people yawning on the bottom of their swimming pool.
DATE: I think cat people are psychopaths
ME: *slowly pushes date’s coffee off table*
He barely knows who I am anymore
“That’s not true, Karen”
LINDA, MY NAME IS LINDA
If we could harness the fake enthusiasm put towards wishing people a happy birthday on Facebook, we could power half the planet.
“At least you’ll be safe from zombies,” I whisper to myself as I struggle to get my head out of the armhole of my shirt.