ME: should we give it a dry rub
CORONER: get out
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Wife: could you just run to the-
Edward Scissorhands: you want me to WHAT
I respected tiger sharks a lot more after I realized how many hurdles tigers and sharks had to overcome to breed with each other.
me, turning into a werewolf: get out of here. it’s not safe
girl: [holding a tennis ball behind back] i think i’ll b fine lmao
Just finished reading the Declaration of Independence to my kids, and they went to live with their dad
[marriage counseling]
prince eric: i just feel like the communication is lacking
ariel [frantically gesturing at legs and mouth]: Mm hm HM hm hm MM
I believe in workplace drug testing.
That’s why I slipped Ambien and Ex-Lax into my boss’ coffee.
Let’s test which one works faster.
Him: Amazon Prime and chill?
Her: That’s not something people say.
Him: Sure it is. Bing it.
Her: Also not a thing.
Chad: But I don’t want to advertise escorts or be known for shady stuff.
Craig: Then I’ll start my own list.
I got fired from being the events coordinator at the local orphanage. I think it’s cause family day never really took off
America. Where assault weapons will protect your family, but two dudes getting married will destroy your family.
what jerk ever looked at a hamburger and thought “you know what this needs? A nice, soft, warm piece of lettuce.”
tinting my car’s windows so people outside can’t see me eating soup
If history repeats itself, I’m getting a pet dinosaur
Wendall feverishly works on a shirt made solely out of ramen
pilot: we’re approaching 30,000 feet
me, looking out window nervously: what are they doing up here
My GPS thinks we should see other drivers.
I love Chinese food as much as the next guy, but you’ll never convince me a chicken fried this rice.
“Can I help you?”
“Please communicate my desire to open a dialogue with the ownership of this establishment regarding the possible procurement of gainful employment as promulgated by the advertisement affixed to the portal.”
“So, you’re here about the job?”
“Most indubitably.”
why would anyone want a baby? it’s just another thing you have to clean
I’d rather fork than spoon.
Remember when Saturday Morning cartoons would start to end and the live action shows you didn’t like as much started to come on, but you still half-heartedly watched?
That’s Twitter now.
Why did Shrek use the song “I’m a Believer” and not “It Must Have Been Love (But It’s Ogre Now).”
Sorry to all the people my 3yo has yelled at for eating ice cream in a car.
Telling him it was illegal was wrong. I know this now.
Finally, somewhere I can take my Croissant Bernard.
mike tyson is short for michael thankyouson (i’m so sorry)
Mantra at the gym:
When the zombies come, cardio will matter.
Salesman: This model corners really well
Car: *backs me into an alley and takes my lunch money*
I think we should hear other voices.
“911, what’s your emergency?”
“Hi. Long time listener, first time caller.”
“That’s really funny.”
“Thank you. Anyways, I’m being stabbed.”