Me: shouldn’t ocean now be spelled oCean?
Climatologist: that’s not what rising sea level means
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A few summers ago I stopped at some kids’ lemonade stand. As I took a sip, the youngest boy stuck his whole arm in the pitcher and stirred.
My husband let the batteries die in all the security cameras because he didn’t like seeing his bald spot at a better angle.
If the pandemic has taught us anything, it’s that everything can be done naked.
Walgreens guy: You still need to leave
i love that kanye gets into very specific beefs with ppl i have to google but he’s nice enough to say both their first & last name
Her: I still think that’s a stupid name for a dog
Me: how dare you, I named him after my grandfather
[Earlier]
Me: aww looks like Grandpa has the zoomies
Each year, my Dad gives me money to buy Christmas gifts for everyone.
Each year, my Dad says, “I can’t wait to see what I got everyone!”
hyundai called it sonata because it’s sonata good car
Dances with Wolves is not about famous wolves competing for a mirror ball trophy. I know that now.
Every day I learn something new as a parent. Today I learned I can’t sit through my daughter’s violin recital without a desire to die.
Honestly why do I bother attempting this shit
The twins brought in significantly less candy than I purchased. Running Halloween at a deficit is simply not acceptable.
3 just stopped what she was doing looked at the sky and said ‘something’s coming’ in case you thought you were going to sleep tonight
Anime-only: Man, I can’t wait to see more of my fav character!
Manga-reader: Oh man, THAT character, oh buddy oh pal oh buddy. I ain’t gonna say WHAT happens to them, but uh, hehehe, prepare to CRY. I MUST REITERATE, I ain’t spoiling anything, BUT, that character? Hooo boy
The sexual position formally known as 69 is now called 96. Due to the economy, the cost of eating out has increased.
*shopping*
4yo: I found pajamas with a t-rex on them. We can go home now
Me: We need other stuff too
4yo: No. This is all we need. Let’s go!
[Deletes duplicate memes on my phone]
“Weigh me now”.
sometimes I go to the gym spend the whole time stretching then leave…this is cat day
Alexa, how much peanut butter can kill a man?
British websites use biscuits.
My husbands jealousy is getting ridiculous. The other day he looked at my calendar and wanted to know who June was.
Parents who say they love their children unconditionally have obviously never had a kid choose tuba as their band instrument.
I wanted to do a sexy boudoir photoshoot for my boyfriend, but the radiologist had a totally different agenda
I reached down to adjust my left bra cup this morning, lost my grip, and punched myself in the chin.
*checks the hip hop section*
Nope. No one named Velocirapper yet.
“SOMEBODY had a lot of time on their hands.” What dull people say about creative people.
[the Schrödinger home – Vienna, 1897]
“You see? She is both dead and al-”
“Erwin, let your cousin out of the bathroom. NOW.”
Show me someone who says “once you try black you never go back” and I’ll show you someone who’s never had an overripe banana.
My parents couldn’t understand how my wife could divorce me.
Until I moved back in with them.
Every once in a while someone really special walks into your life. That person is usually delivering a pizza
They just discovered an Egyptian tomb filled with chocolate and hazelnut. They believe it’s the tomb of Pharaoh Rocher.