Me: shouldn’t ocean now be spelled oCean?

Climatologist: that’s not what rising sea level means

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Guys, I only wanna hear about your ex if she is dead.If you still talk about her, I’ll murder her so we can have an interesting conversation


The only downside of hiring a maid is having to thoroughly clean the whole house the night before she comes so she “doesn’t think the place is a mess.”


My cat keeps stealing my earrings off the dresser.

Jokes on her, all the backs are missing. She’ll never be able to wear them.


Teach your kids cursive and they won’t get copied from in school.


[on date]
ME: I’ll have a steak
WAITER: How would u like that cooked?
ME: Uhh with fire or some kind of heat? *rolls eyes at date*


Bad Coroner: This guy you brought in a few days ago, I think I know how he died. The last thing he ate was spaghetti with bullets in it.


pretty cool how no matter what’s going on in the world, a teenager in a Metallica shirt will always look the same no matter what year it is.