@TheBoydP

Me: Show me a pan that didn’t get clean the first time and I will show you a pan that needs to soak..

Wife: STOP TWEETING AND WASH THE PAN!

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@Darlainky

My husband and I get along better since realizing how much our yelling upsets the dog.

@CorkyKneivel

Ever meet one of these people that makes everything a competition? I’ve met more.

@Mi_SSbehaved

My son touched my leg & said “so soft!”

Then he asked for his IPad back & I gave it to him.

Girls aren’t exactly rocket science, guys.

@hippieswordfish

[calls wife] honey help

‘whats wrong?’

im done shopping at the door store but now i cant tell which one is the exit

‘ok just stop crying’

@MelvinofYork

Maybe newborn babies cry because reincarnation is real and they’re like “not this shit again”

@BlindChow

[pitching script]

WRITER: then the motorcyclist removes their helmet…

PRODUCER: *yawns*…and its a woman?

W: it’s a burrito

P: holy shit

@UnFitz

Maybe we’d still be in the Garden of Eden if Eve had given Adam an Android instead of an Apple.

You don’t know.

@Aikiwomannc

Him: It’s been 20 minutes! I know what you’re doing in there! Stop it!

Me: *in shower* No! I’ve waited all day!

Him: Don’t do it! Get out!

Me: *touching my face* You can’t stop me!