@kumailn
We can find water on Mars but we can’t something completely unrelated?
@TheBoydP
Me: Show me a pan that didn’t get clean the first time and I will show you a pan that needs to soak..
Wife: STOP TWEETING AND WASH THE PAN!
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@kumailn
@bobinhiding
My driver’s side window is stuck closed. I may starve to death.
@Up2Long
Beautiful women following me on Twitter is screwing up my perception of who will talk to me in RL. A trip to Walmart should fix that.
@kevnasto
I bet Jane didn’t know Tarzan swings both ways.
@PatsATweetin
[giant alien cracking open the earth like a hard boiled egg]
ugh, overcooked
@CornOnTheGoblin
[answers phone in crowded elevator] give me some good news…HOW contagious?
@doktorj
Me: “Can you go back four slides?”
Bride: “To the wedding dress?”
Me: “No, the cheese plate.”
Me: Wipes tears.
@MissHavisham
Left water in the car in case I was thirsty & now I can boil pasta in my mouth.
@drewjanda
Inventor of raisins: “What do you like about grapes”
me: the juice part, the freshness
Inventor: right but what if they had neither