Me: Show me a pan that didn’t get clean the first time and I will show you a pan that needs to soak..


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We can find water on Mars but we can’t something completely unrelated?


My driver’s side window is stuck closed. I may starve to death.


Beautiful women following me on Twitter is screwing up my perception of who will talk to me in RL. A trip to Walmart should fix that.


I bet Jane didn’t know Tarzan swings both ways.


[giant alien cracking open the earth like a hard boiled egg]

ugh, overcooked


[answers phone in crowded elevator] give me some good news…HOW contagious?


Me: “Can you go back four slides?”

Bride: “To the wedding dress?”

Me: “No, the cheese plate.”

Me: Wipes tears.


Left water in the car in case I was thirsty & now I can boil pasta in my mouth.


Inventor of raisins: “What do you like about grapes”
me: the juice part, the freshness
Inventor: right but what if they had neither