My husband and I get along better since realizing how much our yelling upsets the dog.
Me: Show me a pan that didn’t get clean the first time and I will show you a pan that needs to soak..
Wife: STOP TWEETING AND WASH THE PAN!
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Ever meet one of these people that makes everything a competition? I’ve met more.
Waiter: Is Pepsi okay?
Me: Is Kohl’s cash okay?
My son touched my leg & said “so soft!”
Then he asked for his IPad back & I gave it to him.
Girls aren’t exactly rocket science, guys.
[calls wife] honey help
im done shopping at the door store but now i cant tell which one is the exit
‘ok just stop crying’
Maybe newborn babies cry because reincarnation is real and they’re like “not this shit again”
WRITER: then the motorcyclist removes their helmet…
PRODUCER: *yawns*…and its a woman?
W: it’s a burrito
P: holy shit
Maybe we’d still be in the Garden of Eden if Eve had given Adam an Android instead of an Apple.
You don’t know.
Him: It’s been 20 minutes! I know what you’re doing in there! Stop it!
Me: *in shower* No! I’ve waited all day!
Him: Don’t do it! Get out!
Me: *touching my face* You can’t stop me!