Me: Show me a pan that didn’t get clean the first time and I will show you a pan that needs to soak..
Wife: STOP TWEETING AND WASH THE PAN!
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scenes of unspeakable carnage
*lying in bed*
*drops chip down cleavage*
*thinks, I’m so tired, leave it
*also, mmmmm, breakfast*
sometimes I go to the gym spend the whole time stretching then leave…this is cat day
People:
I’m leaving Twitter, no telling when I’m coming ba…
I’m back.
Just want everyone to know this morning I won the argument I was having with someone in my head while in the shower. Feeling good about today
To the parent who sent their kid with slime as a Valentine to the class I just want you to know that I will send my daughter with kinetic sand to give to your kid as a thank you gift.
What idiot called it the bicycle repair shop and not
Since I started making yachts in my shed, sails have gone through the roof
I think I’m finally ready. I’m gonna take the plunge even though at first it might be confusing and a little scary. I can do this!
Deep breath.
Here I go.*changes phone default notification sound*
If I was a dental hygienist I’d be like “Now I’m gonna rip up your gums with a metal hook and then blame you for not flossing enough, sorry”
hey pregnant lady slowly crossing the street on a green light it’s a baby not a forcefield
*At Super Bowl Party*
Hey baby, they’ve got a WHOLE bunch of shrimp here, did you bring the big purse?
[Jesus entering surf contest]
Judge: What type of board will you be riding?
Jesus: [looks at feet]
They’re using boards?
Me: your snowman can look however you like sweetheart
2: *sticks arms in snowman’s head*
Me: not like that
I envy those who look beautiful with a messy bun and not me who looks like I either just climbed out of a ditch or played with an outlet with a fork.
I’m as clever as the person who named bagpipes
I used to eat a lot of Belgian chocolate, but I gave it up for Lindt.
Remember before social media when we foolishly wished we could read people’s thoughts?
ME: Sometimes I feel like I’m in a bad tweet
NARRATOR: And he was
ME: I see you
NARRATOR: He could see me
ME: Stop
NARRATOR: I did not stop
People I live with are hiding my shit. The two most effective hiding places to date:
1) out in the open
2) where I last left it
If you come across a bear, never push a slower friend down…even if you feel the friendship has run its course.
Women: ugh, my period again
Me: In highschool I had 6 periods a day – No big whoop
Starting to think North Korea just really hates the ocean.
(Starts period)
Husband: OHHHH, so that’s why you’ve been such a b-
Me: WHAT!?
Him: What?
I’ve been looking for F35 on my keyboard for over an hour, I give up.
[on the sixth question in two minutes]
4: what does “not” mean
me: I think you’re going to have to ask Alexa these questions.
4: but i’m trying to keep you busy.
Don’t tell me how to lift my baby
[finishing last sip of wine]
waiter: would you like another glass?
me: no just refill this one
My mating call in winter is just me shaving my legs.