@TheBoydP

Me: Show me a pan that didn’t get clean the first time and I will show you a pan that needs to soak..

Wife: STOP TWEETING AND WASH THE PAN!

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@kumailn

We can find water on Mars but we can’t something completely unrelated?

@bobinhiding

My driver’s side window is stuck closed. I may starve to death.

@Up2Long

Beautiful women following me on Twitter is screwing up my perception of who will talk to me in RL. A trip to Walmart should fix that.

@kevnasto

I bet Jane didn’t know Tarzan swings both ways.

@PatsATweetin

[giant alien cracking open the earth like a hard boiled egg]

ugh, overcooked

@CornOnTheGoblin

[answers phone in crowded elevator] give me some good news…HOW contagious?

@doktorj

Me: “Can you go back four slides?”

Bride: “To the wedding dress?”

Me: “No, the cheese plate.”

Me: Wipes tears.

@MissHavisham

Left water in the car in case I was thirsty & now I can boil pasta in my mouth.

@drewjanda

Inventor of raisins: “What do you like about grapes”
me: the juice part, the freshness
Inventor: right but what if they had neither